Write Out Loud

Fear and My Story

2011-08-19T16:04:00.002-04:00

After what I wrote yesterday, I realized it’s not just laziness that keeps me from writing. It’s fear.

Every time I think about opening the document to continue writing my stomach knots up. I can easily sit down to spew dumb jokes out on twitter (hilarious jokes out on twitter), throw up a post on here or one of my other places I write (write0utl0ud.blogspot.com or a different blog that’s much more private that almost no one has access to), facebook posts are no problem at all. Why is making things up so scary? It’s not like I’ve got tons of people reading this. It shouldn’t be stressful. Should it? Is following your dreams always stressful?

I guess it’s because at least one of these stories (and this is probably naivety and foolishness) could actually be something great if I could just get the thing out of my brain and onto paper. Maybe it’s the pressure I’m putting on myself to complete it and have it be perfect. I’ve got most of the plot pretty much down. (that’s a lie, the middle bit is still very…. unknown.) but I’ve got the end figured out, and the beginning already written. Prologue and four chapters. That’s a good start.

It’s weird. The story and I are sort of at the same place. The main character is beginning his journey, but he’s stuck somewhere for just a bit longer, and he’s scared and worried about where this whole journey will lead him, and how things will end. Well, I know how it’s going to end for him, but I’m scared about whether it will go well for me. We don’t know how long this journey is going to take, we don’t know if we’ll get the results we want, we don’t know if we’ll win or lose. I guess that the stakes are higher for him. Of course, if I never finish, he’ll be stuck in limbo forever, in the Well of Lost Plots (Thank you, Jasper Fforde) and that’s a cruel fate, right?

So I need to write. Even if I just add a few words a day, that’s progress. It’s slow, lazy progress, but it’s progress. I’m going to face my fear, and just like I did with that douche of a boss, tell it it’s fucking insane and a crazy bitch, because damn it, it’s not in charge of me anymore.`

Decide

2011-08-18T16:02:00.001-04:00

(originally posted on my Tumblr- Brainlettings)

The more I think about the levels of mediocrity in my daily life, the more I want things -everything, really- to change. I don’t want to feel like I’m settling for the rest of my life. I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck. I don’t want to constantly be hoping that things will just sort of fall into place.

I’ve tried three different paths, education wise (and quit all three): interior design, cosmetology, and business (the last one online). You know what those three things have in common? I’m not even remotely passionate about them. I mean, interior design is neat, but I think I was watching a little too much HGTV or something. It’s not at all what I want out of life. Not even close.

You know the only thing I’ve ever really wanted to do? Since I was a little kid? I wanted to write. Even before I was into reading, I wanted to write. You know what I rarely do even though, honestly, I’m pretty good at? Write. Why? What’s wrong with me? Laziness, basically. Making stuff up can be hard. You have to make up EVERYTHING. You have to make up a person. You decide who they are, who they love and hate, their quirks and their fears. You give them a family and a history, even if some of it is only in your head to help you make the character a whole person (Dumbledore being gay, for example). You make their friends, their job, their car, their childhood memories. You make their friends lives. You decide how they talk, how they interact with people and the world around them. That’s not even the story. You need a plot and conflict and resolution. You need to create an entire world, that exists in your head alone, and then there’s a massive chance that you’ll hate it. Someone else (everyone else?) will hate it. What do you do then?

You shrug it off and keep going because this is your dream, god damn it, and you follow your fucking dream! You chase that dream down and make it your bitch.

Or you can daydream about someday accomplishing something you’ll finally be proud of while you work bullshit jobs, scrape by, settle.

So here is where I step up and ask myself, because it’s time to decide:

Do you follow your dreams, or do you settle?

Fuck you, laziness. I’m gonna hunt this dream down, shoot it, and have it stuffed and mounted on my wall. Let that be a lesson to you other dreams out there… people are coming to get you. And we are determined.

The hunt is on. Do you hear the trumpet call?

Cry ‘Havoc,’ and let slip the do

gs of war.

Right now...

2011-07-19T01:02:00.000-04:00

It is 12:45 am and 71 degrees. I'm sitting on the sand in leggings and a hoodie. The moon is nearly full and so bright; its light is only slightly muted by thin clouds. There is a deep orange glow on the horizon, like a tiny sun setting. Light houses across the bay flicker on and off. A slight breeze blows, and I can hear the waves slapping gently against the boats, and the mild clanging of chains or bouys.
There are people I wish I could share this with. There are people I would love to talk to right now. At this moment though, I am content with being alone.
I could stay here forever.

Tonight's The Night

2011-06-22T15:23:00.000-04:00

I get to be in the same room as my author-hero Neil Gaiman. I probably wont get to meet, him, but that's OK. Some people don't even get to get this close to their heroes, so I should be content with the fact that I will get to hear him speak in person. I'm VERY excited! I'm even wearing a dress. Because just in case I do meet him I want to make sure I look good in pictures! I should really be working on my story right now, but I'm barely paying enough attention to write this blog, so I can't at the moment, but I'll work on it today. I hope.
So I haven't updated in a while. I've been WORKING! Guys, I have a job now. It eats up about 36 hours of my week and I honestly don't know how people with jobs get anything done. My goodness full time jobs keep you busy. Fortunately they also give you a bit of money and eventually, benefits. So in just over two months my I will get told all the problems that are wrong with my body that the insurance I'm paying for wont cover, so that's exciting! Hooray america! My job is basically selling beauty products to people who need way more than they're buying. Seriously... some of them are just awful monsters. Dye your hair all you want. It's still going to look disgusting if you don't wash it you filthy thing.
What else? So far I have sent the first 58 pages of my story to two different people. Do you guys know how scary that is? I was only going to send it to one, but I had to use it as a bargaining chip with a musician friend to get some unreleased demos. I'd say it was worth it except that I don't know that my enjoyment of the two tracks he sent me is worth the absolute fear I'm feeling since he was going to read it yesterday and I haven't heard what he thought yet. Seriously, it's terrifying. I mean, I don't mind if he didn't like it, but I'd at least like to know that he did read it and what he thought.
My other friend told me it was good but is supposed to send me some sort of critique and hasn't yet. It's totally OK though because now that I'm working full time I get not wanting to do anything ever. I haven't even been watching TV. Just working and reading [twitter]. I have this weekend completely off though, which is just bonkers and I don't even know what I'm going to do with myself [twitter].
OH! and speaking of musician friends, (which I did earlier) my friend Christopher Pappas (aka @lostphysicist on twitter) just released his solo project (@miracleparade) debut album yesterday, and y'all should download it. I just did! I haven't listened to it yet because I'm a fucking slacker, but I can assure you it's good. He's a very talented guy and I love him and his music. You should too. It's on Zune and iTunes. You've got no excuse! GO NOW! The one who I traded story for songs is @davegodowsky and you can get his music here for whatever price you want to pay! You should pay a lot, because it's a super good CD. There's also another song you can download for free from his regular website here. Seriously, folks. Check these two guys out. They're awesome.

This entry is kind of all over the place (they all are, aren't they? I should work on maybe thinking about what I'm going to write before I write it, yeah?) but it's because I'm downloading a bunch of music (legally, I promise) and trying to get my Zune and iphone all set up properly and honestly, the zune is pretty easy, it just takes a long time to sync all 4000-something songs that are on there. It's the iphone that is a process. Trying to get the software downloaded without it timing out, the phone updated, and worst of all: getting all the music organized the way it's supposed to be. That's a damn process. What a mess itunes makes of everything... really bitches it up, if you ask me (and Steven King, probably. He's a fan of that phrase).

Well, I'm going to continue to download more music than I can listen to and check out the adorable gay guy in the great blazer that just walked into starbucks (yep. i'm blogging at starbucks. Whatever. This drink is douche-licious) and then eventually SEE NEIL MOTHERFUCKING GAIMAN TONIGHT!!

Focus on....everything?

2011-06-07T01:01:00.001-04:00

I've always focused too much on the "someday" aspect of the future without really thinking about what I need to do to get there. Well, other than winning the lottery. Which I don't really play. Until it gets up into the 300 billion range and then, yeah, I buy a ticket or two.

But anyway, I need to start thinking of the steps involved to getting to be where I want to be, in small, easier to attain and daily goals.

And thinking about which of these fantasies is really the one I want? I imagine different lives all the time, but what goal is best, while still being realistically attainable? And where do I want to end up? What kind of things/people do I want my happiness depending on? What kind of life do I want for myself?

These are really hard questions, and I don't know if I'll ever feel even keeled enough to answer any of them the same way twice.

I guess I just want everything. That's not a helpful thing at all.

Just so dumb.

2011-06-05T23:25:00.001-04:00

So I really thought that finding a job would help this whole down about my life state of mind I've been in. Maybe it runs deeper than that, or maybe the fact that my job is just over minimum wage is keeping the shit feelings securely lodged. I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that my car is broken that's responsible. What I do know is that I'm not loving this. Not at all.

I need to get back to the gym. I'll start again after the wedding (speaking of, I need to drop my dress off at the tailor tomorrow) so that my dress will still fit. Feeling shitty about my appearance isn't helping at all, and if I'm going to be spending a week in my bathing suit at the end of July, I'll definitely need to be in better shape than I am now. I am halfway back to my pre-pregnancy (or really, pre-shitty birth control) weight, and definitely looking better than I was, but I need to stop settling for "better than my worst" and get back to best.

I will be really relieved when the wedding is over. I'm tired of thinking about it, spending money on it. I can't even imagine planning my own wedding (right, because I'm the marriage type. sigh). I need to try on/shop for shoes, buy nail polish and try it out before the actual wedding, get my hair cut and colored, have my dress sized, figure out how I'm going to style my hair... Etc. Weddings are such a damn process. And I'm only a bridesmaid. I also need to fix my weird ass tan lines and moisturize the scraped up part of my leg so it's gone before the wedding too. At least the dress is really cute.

Oh, and another thing that's been getting me down is considerably more private, but I will say that I'm just setting myself up for disappointment, and I know it, but I'm doing it anyway. Like a complete idiot.

I figured out why I'm so bad at being a responsible adult though, so maybe that can lead to progress: I'm constantly just daydreaming. Living inside my head. It's nicer and easier and more fun in there, but it also leads to me thinking about fake life instead of me working to improve my real life. So stupid. And probably something crazy people do. I need to get my shit together and grow up. Or use my imagination for something productive, like writing. But stagnating isn't doing any good.

And speaking of writing, I need to keep going. I've been so focused on hearing/reading the response for Farthing it's like I forgot that I have five other stories going. They may not be as important as Farthing, but some of them could still be really good. I think at least one is total garbage, but I'll save what I've already written just in case there's some sort of break through on how to make it not shitty.

So this has been a mostly pointless and disjointed post, where I didn't really get to the meat of what's bothering me tonight, instead choosing to focus on bigger, broader upsetting things... Mostly because the two things that are really getting to me today aren't things I care to post freely online, or talk about to anyone ever, because that would mean admitting to feeling (redacted) and (redacted). And that's just not something I care to do now or ever, really. (see, I wont even generalize about it). Half is petty shit and the other half is... I don't even know how to describe it. A mess?

So dumb. Just. So. Dumb.

What I'm Listening To:

2011-05-21T08:37:00.001-04:00

There's a CD I've been listening to on repeat today and yesterday and man, is it good!! It's called All You Love is Need by John Shade (@davegodowsky on twitter). The song Little Heart is so fucking good. He used to live in Boston but moved to NYC which is lame because I would have liked to see him play at some point... You know... When I have a job and a working car again. Anyway, if you go to http://johnshade.bandcamp.com, you can download it for whatever price you want, which is awesome because I didn't have any money to buy the damn thing, so for now I'm pimping it out, and when I do have a job, I'll paypal him some money because I have indie musician friends and it is expensive to follow your dreams, guys.

So go check him out. He's pretty damn fantastic.

Nice try...

2011-05-20T18:08:00.000-04:00

Alright Nature, I see what you're trying to do for me, but until you have a tree that sprouts money, you're not any real help for my problems.
A for effort though.

Knitting, which is gibberish to most of you.

2011-05-20T16:11:00.001-04:00

Every few... months? I guess? I go through a phase where I don't want to read, write, knit, anything. I just want to sit and stare at the TV or listen to music or other types of doing nothing. I definitely wouldn't say it's a depression thing, although there could definitely be some sort of mild feelings of "ugh". I get those every few months. I'm pretty sure it's a lot more simple than that...

Usually a contributing factor is not wanting to knit what I'm working on. I've got a ton of projects on the needles, but none of them held any sway for me. I'd either messed up, or put them away because they were too complicated like the the Burridge Lake Afghan or the Seascape Stole). Some are too boring, like the Parcheesi Afghan which is for Sophie or the Clapotis. They're great patterns, and I'm excited to be have the finished project (more on Sophie's blanket than the shawl/wrap, but still) but garter stitch is dull as tombs and the stockinette/drop stitch pattern isn't much better. Then there are projects like the Swallowtail Shawl, which I'd screwed up at some point and didn't know how to fix it. There's other projects too... things that need handles or thumbs or eyes and then they'll be finished but I just haven't even bothered. There's a scarf that just needs the ends weaved in.

But the other day I decided to go through my projects and figure out what I wanted to work on that was more complicated than garter stitch stripes like in the Parcheesi Afghan. I pulled out the two lacey shawl/wrap type things I've got going. The Seascape Stole that I'm working on didn't have any errors, but it's pretty boring to work on, despite being lacey. And honestly, while I love the yarn and do think the pattern is really pretty, I'm not that in love with it. I'm a little tempted to rip it out and start something new. I don't know what's more ridiculous. Finishing something I'm not in love with, or tearing out hours of work.
The Swallowtail Shawl, on the other hand, I managed to figure out the problem with (I was missing two yarn overs) and now I'm trucking right along. There are only 28 more rows left of the pattern, and only half of those require real attention other than purling 5 stitches together every 10th stitch.

Triangle shaped shawl where the pattern is mirrored

on either side of the central stitch

This is probably the most accurate shot for color,

but it's still off. It's very vibrant and shiny.

See those little bumpies in a column near the top?

Those are nupps. Kind of annoying but easy.

I also started a new project which is super duper cute! They are Totoro Mittens. I've had to start the first one twice. And need to start over. I have small hands, and the pattern is really vague about sizing (it only comes in once size, and you just have to wing it with yarn/needle choices to get it right.) I started with size 1 needles, too small. Size twos are perfect for the ribbing, but the pattern will be a little short, and is too tight on the thumb area (because it's an afterthought thumb and those suck). So I have to rip it back to the ribbing and move up to size 3 needles. THEN I'm going to rechart the entire mitten to incorporate a different thumb technique. Basically, an afterthought thumb is where you just plunk a thumb onto the palm. But look at your hand. Thumbs don't come out of palms. They come out of the side. Afterthought thumbs cause the mitten to shift/twist a bit, and if it's a tight mitten it totally screws up the sizing. So I'm going to be increasing basically immediately after the ribbing ends on the thumb side of the pattern, so I can add a thumb where it's actually supposed to go. OR I can leave a gap at the edge and add the thumb there after. I don't actually know if that even works. I'm going to do some research first.
But here's some shots of the progress before I rip it out.

The hole in the palm is where the afterthought thumb

would go. THUMBS DON'T LIVE THERE!

Definitely needs recharting.

Another reason they need to be pulled out?

See where it says "Rotoro"? Shitty.

I also don't like the way his mouth is,

so that'll need reworking as well.

Well, this swallowtail shawl isn't going to knit itself, and Heidi should be getting here any minute now to hopefully make me look like less of an asshole for telling some guy he couldn't sit next to me. Sorry guy old enough to be my dad. This cleavage isn't for you. Not that its for my sister. That'd be creepy and weird. It's just there, but definitely not for him.

Anyway, Will just sent me a link to this and now I'm in love with this picture. Were I single*, I would take it in a manly fashion.
Because it's pretty.

*I am single. That's a TV reference which if you don't get, you are lame and sad and your life is probably very boring.

I found my calling:

2011-05-17T16:52:00.000-04:00

I have never been more excited.

Fuck you, Douglas

2011-05-14T12:30:00.003-04:00

This baby is an asshole.

Some years ago, friends of mine named the sun Douglas. The moon is Bruce, in case you're wondering. Bruce is a great guy. He's totally responsible for the ocean, and he does his damn job and does it well. Bruce would never hurt anyone. Douglas, on the other hand, is a fucking asshole. He's always chillin' behind clouds, and causing cancer and sunburns, and global warming. What a dick, right? The worst part? Someday he's going to fucking quit on us and destroy the earth. (just kidding, we'll do that way before then.)

You should be able to go to the park for a few hours without looking like a complete fool later on, you know? I guess some people can. I'm not one of those people. See?

Fucking brutal, right? Yeah. It hurts like crazy. And it's weird shaped because of the way I was sitting, and my shirt. Fortunately, I'm at Holly's and she has medicated aloe and some good lotion. Which, friends, is the key to sunburns. Aloe and real lotion. You have to keep that shit moisturized or it will peel and you will have to walk around wearing white sheets and ringing a bell so people know you're a fucking idiot who gets sunburns/a leper.

Random Paragraphs Slung Together

2011-05-14T02:55:00.000-04:00

So since I wrote myself a list of goals, I managed to complete... oh... none of them?
I haven't written anything new in Farthing, but I am waiting with bated breath for a bit of a review from a Darach, who is the first person to read everything except for the prologue. I feel like it might have been a mistake to let him read it. What if he wants to read more of it? It's going to be a while, probably. What he if wants to read other stuff I wrote? He better like chick-lit and sex scenes, because whoa. That's pretty much all I can write. That's not true. I'm awesome and can write anything I want, but it's all I can write quickly and easily. Seriously? Chick-lit is stupid fun to write. And what I write is only a couple steps up from romance. embarrassing, right?

Anyway, all I've gotten from him so far is that he really liked the prologue, then he was reading it again last night and said that it drew him in (or that was his excuse for not coming up with a retort when I handed him his ass) so that's good. I want it to have draw. I am excited to get working on it again... I don't know why I'm such a slack-ass when it comes to writing. Afraid to finish it and fail?

No. I'm just lazy.

OH! I did complete one goal: I called the places I applied. I got an interview that lead to nothing so far, but hey. I did my part.

I didn't pick up Sophie's Stupid Afghan at all. I brought it with me to nerd night and promptly forgot that I had, otherwise I would have worked on it. Perhaps it could have helped me stay focused instead of being super drifty-brained.

And I definitely didn't go to the gym enough. In all fairness, my knee has been super swollen and painful... possibly due to the weather or arthritis or kicking my ass at the gym previously? I don't know. It could also be a voodoo doll for all I know.

Let me think of what else is going on lately...
My car broke. Straight died on the side of the road. Awesome.

Sophie made a massive mess of water and makeup in the bathroom, then lied about it. Then lied about it some more. She got her hand popped about six times (each time I caught her in a lie) and had to sit on her bed by herself (without toys or stuffed animals as well) for about a half hour. I was LIVID. That foundation is discontinued too, and I did have like... six months worth left. Now? Maybe a couple weeks? And then I had to clean up the whole mess she left because she's terrible at cleaning, and I didn't want to have to make her do it and then have to do it right later. That's not punishing her, it'd be punishing myself.

Still reading Fragile Things and The Graveyard Book by Gaiman, and Needful Things by King. I really need to work more on NF for the Slackass Book Club, but I haven't been in the mood for heavier reading. And with what happened at the end of chapter 17, well, it's a little depressing.

Weight loss is going really well. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I look a little strange in the mirror, because I'm not used to my thinner face, which is awesome, and while I'm not super thin, when I stand sideways, there's not really a belly bulge anymore, which is fucking fantastic. I'm not ready to jump into a skimpy bathing suit yet, but I am definitely feeling pretty fucking confident while I'm dressed, so FUCK YEAH for that.

Job hunt is still fruitless. I applied to Unos and need to call tomorrow to talk to the manager. I'm pretty confident that I'll end up with a job there if they're indeed hiring. I'll stick with that until I can either A) find something full time or B) get a second job if they're not able to give me full time hours. While I don't like waitressing, I'd rather do that than cashier for two reasons: cashiering fucking blows and my ass will look fantastic after walking constantly.
It's a shame that at Unos you have to wear that awful blue button down... that won't accentuate my boobs at all. How am I supposed to make any money?

I have no real end for this terrible post other than this:

I blog like an asshole. Sorry.

Possibly Pointless Post

2011-05-13T19:11:00.003-04:00

Does alliteration make me look smart, or like an asshole.

I spent the day knitting at the park and guess what I have? A super cool sunburn that is on only half of my back that's peeking out over my shirt. It looks pretty awesome, let me tell you.

While I was at the park I saw a bunch of cool people, like a dickbag who thought it was cool to play the drum (yes, one drum) by himself on a bench, and then sitting in the grass shirtless. He kept doing it on and off and I had to turn my music up way too loud so I didn't hear his shitty drumming over it. Fucker. He was there for at least an hour, seriously damaging my calm.

Look at this fucking asshole. What a goddamn chode.

When he finally left, he walked past me (still shirtless, mind you, with his ass hanging out of his pants) he had those massive back pockets with huge, gaudy embroidered crosses on them. I think its safe to assume he has never had consensual sex.

I was wearing this hat:

which I made and is fucking awesome. It was a big hit with my sixteen year old nephew and his friends (ages 16-20), who I ended up sitting with for about an hour because my friend Amanda was there with them, even though she's 23. She didn't know any of the younger guys, just the 19 and 20 year old girls, but I still felt creepy and weird. And happy that I wasn't in high school anymore because jesus christ are they some catty bitches. And the guys? Dumb as fuck. (Sorry teenage boys, y'all are fucking terrible).

Also at the park I met a couple old ladies who were very interested in my knitting and impressed with my skills. I know a lot of knitters get all up in arms when people ask them what they're doing and they have to stop and show what they're making but like... you're doing something most people can't do, and you're doing it in public. Calm the fuck down and show off your skills, bitches.

And as far as knitting goes, I fixed the Swallowtail Shawl that was missing a couple stitches the other day so I can finally start working on actual progress on that, and had to re-cast on the Totoro Mittens I'm working on

In good news (that wasn't already posted on Twitter) I had a job interview yesterday at Uno's with a guy I worked with when he was a manager in training at Chili's a few years ago. I have a second interview (tentatively scheduled for, assuming he's working that day) Tuesday at 4 pm with the GM of that restaurant. I am pretty confident in my ability to get the job there. Hopefully I can get decent hours/shifts, and maybe even train for bartending, which would be awesome. I'm pretty sure that if I *don't* get this job, i should just kill myself, because if I can't waitress, I can't do anything. It's like getting turned down for market basket. Yikes.

Skinnier Me Proof...

2011-05-11T16:59:00.000-04:00

Check out the sluttiness of that shirt, guys! I bought it months and months ago as sort of motivation to lose weight. It looked alright when I bought it (lies) but way better now! It has straps, but they pop off because it's made by Malaysian children, and they're not that great sewing. And also because my boobs are heavy and they're weak little removable straps. I'll have to sew them on because strapless + D cup is not a great combination. I figure I'll bust it out at RJs and see how many guys try to roofie my drinks. That's a good gauge for how attractive I am, right?

Neil Gaiman is a Creative Genius

2011-05-08T17:13:00.003-04:00

I'm reading The Graveyard Book for the second time. Finally. There are lines and paragraphs in this book that hit me so hard I need to read them over again.

Like that one. I ache to be this good.

If you haven't read this book, go buy it (yea buy, not download), and start it immediately. It will take you about a day. Maybe two. If you don't like it, well, then you're wrong.

Or, you can dislike it, but you can't say he's not a fantastic writer.

Guess who stopped biting her nails?

2011-05-02T23:02:00.000-04:00

It might not be a big deal to anyone else, but my nails are getting SO LONG (for me). I'm very proud of myself.

They will be painted with that polish, which is called Not Like In The Movies and is, embarrassingly, from the Katy Perry/OPI collaborative collection.

Better Mood/Things I Love

2011-05-02T20:02:00.002-04:00

I was going to talk about rejection, and how much I fear it, but instead I will just give you this. I don't want to think about the bad when I'm feeling quite good right now.

Brown Penny

I whispered, 'I am too young,'

And then, 'I am old enough';

Wherefore I threw a penny

To find out if I might love.

'Go and love, go and love, young man,

If the lady be young and fair.'

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,

I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,

There is nobody wise enough

To find out all that is in it,

For he would be thinking of love

Till the stars had run away

And the shadows eaten the moon.

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,

One cannot begin it too soon.

----W.B. Yeats

I love my friends, who help put me in a better mood. I love stupid videos of otters holding hands and hopping up and down (and squeaking!!). I love ridiculous movie plotting and casting. I love laughing so hard I worry I've annoyed the person I'm talking with on the phone. I love the fact that sometimes I just need something very simple to get me back on track, and ready to renew my efforts for making my life better.

And I'm loving this song right now.

I love Neil Gaiman, and how his mind works, and the worlds he's created. I think it's time for me to reread The Graveyard Book. And Stardust. And American Gods. And everything else he's written. Including the Sandman comics. I feel like such an ass for not reading them yet but I'm SO BAD at reading comics.

from Instructions

Remember your name.

Do not lose hope — what you seek will be found.

Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped

to help you in their turn.

Trust dreams.

Trust your heart, and trust your story.

----Neil Gaiman

So I've been in a bad mood for a couple days... mopey and lame and kind of antisocial. Jen forced me out of the house last night and bought us pizza, which I really appreciate a lot. Holly joined us even though she wasn't feeling it because she knew I needed buddies. (I have such good friends) But as soon as I left Jen's house, the melancholy feelings crept back in and I woke up lame again. I skipped out on Nerd Night because I couldn't handle being in a big group of people. I hate when I do that... it makes me feel like a jerk. BUT! But but but!!! I am feeling better now and ready to finish this stupid job application. I also have a data entry test I need to do, but I need a number pad for it because my laptop doesn't have one and the horizontal numbers are impossible to type on accurately(for me).

OH! PLUS!! Aaron is spinning my 8 oz of merino roving and holy shit it's turning out to be SO BEAUTIFUL! It's all merino but it has this gorgeous luster. This is a single ply, and I think he's going to make it a three ply? Something like a fingering or a DK weight.

So pretty, right? I love love love the color! (Thanks, Aaron!)

Watching him start spinning that at knitting group on Saturday (before I was in a really bad mood) really re-inspired me to want to learn how to spin. He said he'd teach me, which is really cool.

Now I just need to figure out what to do for him to say thank you.

Lastly, I get to try on my bridesmaid's dress for Lisa and Rick's wedding, and see how big it is already. I tried on a 14 at the store (which is a 12 regular size) and I'd already lost 8 lbs, so it was pretty loose on me, so the girl helping us told me to order a 12 (which is a regular size 10. Dress sizes are stupid when you're shopping at David's Bridal, evidently), and since then I've lost 11 more lbs, so I imagine that even that will be too big. I'm going to see how long it takes to get alterations done and wait til the last possible minute to have it taken in because I'm still losing weight, and I don't want to have to stop losing just so the dress fits me. I just hope that they can take it in enough.

And that, my dears, is a WONDERFUL thing to be worrying about!!

My Journey into Optimism...

2011-04-29T17:12:00.004-04:00

is going well-ish?

I suppose the above statement basically explains it, huh? Well-ish. That's about my level today. It's nice out, I got a new shirt today, and I am going to see a friend's band tonight at my bar, where I have money for ONE drink, which is good because I really shouldn't drink much. But I'm still feeling a little... meh, emotionally.

I've been applying for a few jobs, and I plan on calling them all on Monday to see if they've seen my resume and if they would like to schedule an interview. There's one that's already emailed me back, but it's probably the worst of the ones I've applied to because it's only temporary, but still better than nothing. I will call that one last on Monday to make sure that if anything else seems more lead-y I don't get too caught up with the mediocre one.

The gym is... hard. I need to do laundry before I go again because I'm out of gym clothes except socks and I'm pretty sure you're supposed to wear more than that when you're on the elliptical and bike. The elliptical is hard as shit, but I'm doing it. I only did 10 minutes the last couple times I went but holy crap. It's tough on my poor legs... which are already pretty brutalized by simply existing. My sister got the official decree from her doctor that she has arthritis in her knees, so I don't expect good news if I ever get insurance. And i'm not being pessimistic here, I'm being honest. They swell and hurt with changing weather but why the hell do you care because whoa: We all have aches and pains, right? Right. Other good gym news: my ass hurts on this hard wooden chair I'm using because I can feel my tail bone on the wood. That's awesome. I totally forgot that could even happen because it hasn't for the past three or four years, so woohoo!

My bridesmaid's dress will be delivered to my house on Monday, which means I get to see how much it already needs to be taken in! Hooray. I really wish I'd ordered the 10 instead of the 12, but I didn't in case I got all slacker-y. I'm actually really pleased with the dress because it's knee length and a super pretty style. I'm just hoping that the color isn't totally awful. It's "pacific blue"... aka "HOLY SHIT that's blue". I still need to acquire silver shoes for the wedding but my friend Cora might have a pair of closed toe pumps so hopefully I don't have to really spend any more money on it. Other than baby yellow nail polish because that's just adorable. And probably some jewelry or something else I'll never use again. I'm kind of wondering if I were to soak it in a black dye after the wedding, if the dress would come out looking really cool.

I just discovered this website for writers called Book Country. You can read and review others works, as well as post your own. I'm definitely not ready to do any posting yet, considering the fact that I just sent Darach my first four chapters and I feel ill every time I think about him reading it, but it does seem really cool. Eventually you'll be able to self-publish through the website, which is run by Penguin, but the books you publish wont have the Penguin logo, they'll have book country, which makes sense because they don't want to just slap Penguin on anything.

I'm going to give myself a few simple goals for the week, and then when I post next week, I'll feel obligated to discuss how well I did with those goals, which will give me accountability. (this week being Saturday through Friday.)

· I will call the jobs I applied for on Monday. This is definitely the most important.

· I will eat well all week, and will go to the gym at least four times. Preferably five or six.

· I will work on Sophie's blanket at least a little. (SO SICK OF KNITTING IT)

· I will write at least five pages.

That last goal is going to be pretty difficult as I'm not totally sure where it's going, but whatever. I like the idea of setting weekly goals for myself. It seems so much easier than new years resolutions. I'm not great with big picture stuff, really. It's probably why I'm terrible with money. But this weekly stuff? I think I can rock it.

Regardless:

I am reading:

Fragile Things by Neil Gaiman who is a genius and I love him.

Needful Things by Steven King who is a genius but holy shit are there too damn many characters in this book. I get why but dude. My memory is not great. Fortunately, a couple of them are already dead, so at least that's partly cleared up.

I will be reading some H.P. Lovecraft once Needful Things is done. I'd been wanting to check it out but after reading A Study In Emerald by Gaiman (it's in Fragile Things) I feel like I need to. As usual, Gaiman is amazing.

Lately I am listening to:

Ellem- Fun, girly music which feels sort of guilty pleasure-ish.

Noah and the Whale- Sort of a folk rock, very cool.

Athlete- Good, british music. One of their songs was on the Van Gogh episode of Doctor Who and it's so good.

Dragonforce- Super fast, awesome power metal that makes me kick my ass at the gym. 3 miles in just over five minutes on the bike? Hells to the yes!

Greg Laswell- chill awesome music, with a pretty sexy voice. His song Comes and Goes (in Waves) is amazing and makes me feel good when I'm down.

Optimism?

2011-04-21T16:18:00.003-04:00

It's this totally new thing I've just heard about and I'm giving it a shot. Shawn and I had a big emotional talk (because I sort of freak out every few weeks now? Awesome.) this weekend, right before my period started, so I guess I could blame it on that, especially since it was three weeks late which is like JESUS! STRESS MUCH? My body can be such a bitch sometimes.

So anyway, Shawn and I talked and I was all "My life is a goddamn mess and I suck at everything and everyone hates me and blah blah blahshutthefuckupblah" See, I know these things aren't true, but when I get into one of these moods (always late at night, and they only last the one night, and they're pretty rare, honestly. And when I wake up in the morning I feel WAY better. Like I've had about three of them since Shawn and I started dating... and two were after we broke up.) there is no reasoning with myself. So he told me that I was too pessimistic and cynical and I was all "uhh, yeah. Obviously." and then he said "I hate that for you. I used to hate it about you, but I understand that's just who you are."

Whoa.

Nothing like a good dose of honesty from someone who knows you really well to make you smarten the fuck up, right? But then he said "But you can change that." and I laughed a little and he said "I know. You don't think you can." because like I said, dude knows me. But I'm going to decide that I'm the one who is wrong on this. I can and will change. I guess that's the first step, right? Being willing and open to change. Everything in my life is changing now, so why not me? I am optimistic about being optimistic. Even though saying that makes me want to throw up.

I have that list of goals from my previous post, and I think I've already changed it a bit... like fuck getting a dog. I have Fat Cat and Tiny Cat. I don't need a dog. That's like having another kid and uhhh... I think we all know how I feel about that (hence the celebretory texts I sent out when I got my period even though, really, there shouldn't really have been a way that I could have been knocked up). I enjoy the fact that my current pets can crap without me having to bring them somewhere to do it. Nice credit would be great, but I'm more concerned with having a presentable apartment. Sorry old bills from when I was immature and dumb with money, you're going to have to wait a little while longer; although I will need to clean it up before I get a new car, because who knows how long Q is going to last?

Shit. I've gone a bit off topic. Optimism, let's get back there, shall we? I'm going to stop saying I want things without having a way to get them (other than things like "I want magic powers, and teleporters and some goddamn butterbeer from potterworld!). I mean things like a finished novel and a smokin hot bod, and a good job. I have an interview on monday, which is awesome. It's not for a very good job at all... retail, but lord knows I'm qualified. And I'll be working with a good friend of mine, so that's nice. It won't be full time, but maybe if I can get some sort of steady schedule nailed down I can pick up some waitressing shifts (i just threw up in my mouth a little) at Uno's or something. Or some bartending shifts. (My dad would love that. heh)

So I've been working on it for the past few days, since our talk. Even through being a bit grumpy (or at least have a short temper) due to weird sleep, moodiness etc. I've been editing what I've got so far for Josh Farthing, and I'm about halfway through the 58 pages. I need to do 15 today and tomorrow so I'll be ready to send it to a great new friend I've found. He's going to look it over, maybe do some editing, but mostly I'm looking for his opinion on the story. Reading through it has given me some definite insight into what I need to work on, as well as reading Stephen King and Neil Gaiman. They're fantastic, and while I'm not comparing my writing to theirs, it's good to see good writing along side you're own. It helps you see more of what you should be doing. Of course, if I was reading Twilight, even the worst shit I wrote would seem amazing. (ZING)

I was going to hit the gym today but a transformer blew while I was on my way there, so I obviously can't do that, but I'll get there tomorrow, and maybe on Saturday after knitting, and I don't see a reason why I can't get there on Sunday too. I plan to be down another 10 lbs by the end of May, and another 10 by the middle of June. Hopefully I can get the dress I'm wearing for Lisa's wedding tailored enough. I really wish i'd ordered an 10 instead of a 12, but it's too late now. I can get a 12 dropped down to an 8 at least, so that *should* be enough? I won't be that sad if the dress is a little big. That's a pretty good problem to have. (I need to go pick the damn thing up but driving to Salem JUST to get a dress is the worst).

I even tried on a couple bathing suits today to see how I felt about them, and how far I had to go before I can wear one that small. While doing that I learned that I can't wear bandeau or triangle style tops, which really leaves me with tankini or halter, which is fine I guess, but I'd have liked more options. Whatever. That's just the price you pay for D-cups. I think that by the time Jen and I go to Cape Cod this summer I should be ready to rock the same bathing suit I did when we went five years ago Jesus. I haven't looked good in a bathing suit in five years. But I will. See that? That's me working on my optimism. And I'm serious. The point of that opening sentence is that even after trying it on, I didn't feel terrible about myself because I know that it's a work in progress, and that is real improvement right there. I don't look in the mirror and go "UGH" anymore. I look and say "Hey, that's way better than it was a few months ago, and will be even better every week from now on. This is determination, damn it.

I will admit that it's definitely not just the talk with Shawn that got me changing. Ive made quite a few new friends lately, and one of them in particular has really helped me feel better about myself. He's very encouraging and I find myself wanting to be better, to be... worthy of that encouragement, I guess?

I'm also trying to avoid the self-destructive behavior that I really had started to fall into the past couple months. I'm going to take a break from that. I'm not going to get into it, really, but I definitely needed a good look at what I was doing, and to see that really? It's not great for my self-esteem, my sanity, or my wallet. I'm definitely still going to be going out fairly often, but I don't need to go out three times in one weekend, or to get trashed when I do go to a bar. And if I think someone is an idiot, it's because they are, and they're not worth my time. Really really not worth it. Really. I recognize that a lot of my self-esteem is tied to guys wanting me, and wow. That is not good, and embarrassing to admit, even though I'm sure that's a really common issue. So I'm going to also focus on not worrying about that so much, which I don't think is going to be a problem... at least with the dirt bags I run into around here. Occasionally there will be someone cute like Tiny Dover Ian Somerhalder, but c'mon... cut off jeans? UUGH. hipster weirdo.

So optimism... it's going to be hard because every ounce of me wants to smirk and be pessimistic and cynical and sarcastic and mean, because that's who I am, and frankly, who I've been proud to be for so long. But the pessimism has really taken hold and while it used to just be about other people, it's invaded every aspect of my personality, and I've been negative about myself for SO long. I'm going to stick with the sarcasm because that's how I roll, and I'll keep making fun of strangers around me, but as far as my own life is concerned? I'm turning it around. Well, I've wasted a lot of time messing around online and I still have all fifteen pages to finish editing before I go to bed tonight, so I should really get to that...

Goals

2011-02-08T16:52:00.000-05:00

I have been single now for just over a week. As this is a time of massive change in my life, I am going to give myself some goals for the next year. By Sunday, January 30th, I would like to have the following things:

A steady job which I've maintained for nearly a year. Full time, benefits, and decent income which will allow me to support myself, sophie, my *two* cats, a dog (that goal is coming up) and a social life.
A two bedroom apartment that allows small to medium size dogs. I've given up my goal of a tiny little papillon, and decided to go rescue instead of pure bread for a plethora of reasons. A rescue needs me more than a pure bread puppy. I don't want to train a puppy. With a rescue I will get a pretrained dog, one that I know will be OK with the cats and Sophie. It is way cheaper. Couple hundred for a "used" (affectionate term) dog or 500+ for a brand new designer dog? I've always gone for the rip off brand, why change now?
Decent credit. I want to be making enough money to be able to (slowly) resurrect my credit. (not zombie credit though, like a Jesus resurrection)
As a reward for decent credit, a new car. Or at least saving for one. I want a Nissan Cube. A standard, because it feels weird to drive a regular one. Maybe by 2012 they'll have them in pacific blue and I get get a TARDIS license plate. That would just be the cherry on the cake.
I want to be smoking hot. Fit and toned and awesome. I want to be learning some sort of awesome self defense where I'll be able to grab a big dude and flip him over my shoulder like Buffy does in that self defense class she takes in high school where the closet gay guy grabs her. (spoilers)
Single. Still. Maybe getting ready to be in a relationship again. I feel like I've just cursed myself by saying that. that somehow demanding myself to stay single for a year willl mean I'm going to meet my dream man in like three months. Well, if he's such a dream he'll be OK with waiting.
And totally superficially: I want to be fucking FLAWLESS at painting my nails. Seriously. I'll be 27. If I still have to clean off 1/3 of what I've painted on my then I should just quit trying to be girly. It's ridiculous how bad I am.
OH OH OH! And to have visited at least two of my out of state friends... most likely Pete and Will because c'mon. NY and fucking POTTER WORLD? That's a goddamn guarantee that I'll be going there. I definitely wouldn't mind going to vegas but honestly? It doesn't hold a fucking candle to potter world. Seriously. I would punch your baby for some butterbeer.

So that's it. It seems like a lot, but I've got a year, and some of that? I don't even have a choice on it. It's just on there so that later I get to cross stuff off. Also? The dog I want? This precious little baby. I NEED her and more importantly, she needs me. I check on this page EVERY DAY to see if she's been adopted yet. Seriously? I'm smitten. Except the name. Cindy? That shit's gotta go.

You'll notice I didn't put anything about writing on there? See, here's the thing. Those are big goals and they'll take a lot of effort. Yeah, I'll keep thinking about writing, and I'm sure I'll have more chick-lit fodder by then (women eat this whole single after six years w/ a part time kid shit UP! They fucking love it.) but it's not a priority right now. I will do NaNo again though, so we'll see what happens.

Also? I need to blog more. It feels good to get this stuff out of my head, regardless of someone reading it or not... though I hope people do. Sort of .

Well, I'm off to stare at my resume and try to figure out how to put "i filled cartridges with ink" and make it sound like "that makes me totally competent to do data entry for you". Tough times.

A Serious Confession

2010-06-11T00:51:00.002-04:00

I have been letting fear rule parts of my life for a long, long time. I couldn't accurately guess when it started but it must have been around middle school age. Maybe it was when I got on stage to try out for the middle school production of Our Town and completely forgot the monologue that, as a 12 year old, I was out of my league and completely drowning it. I mean... Shakespeare? REALLY? I don't remember exactly what it was, but I certainly didn't understand what they were talking about... I just had no idea what to do, and no one to ask for help from.

Anyway, I froze, choked, and almost started to cry. Mrs. Pearlman, the drama director, told me to go on to the improv part, which I think was to sell an imaginary product, which I did with ease. Remember something? Not my strong suit. Make up something to make others laugh? Nailed it. I remember that I was selling some sort of egg that would hatch into a tiny critter. It was an adorable little pet for your girlfriend or your kids. Buy one for every member of the family. I ended it by sort of freaking out that "oh no... the mother's escaped from the cage and she's coming for her children" and ran off, stage left. They laughed.

I ended up with a non-speaking part. I was an extra... a homeless person. A boy I had a crush on, after production said to me "You did good. You look... homeless" with a smile. I thought that meant he liked me. He didn't even recognize me the next school year. His sister comforted me at my middle school graduation when I was crying my eyes out because none of my family showed.

I think something in my broke on stage that afternoon, as my chin quivered and the corners of my lips curled down so forcefully it must've looked like a battle was raging on my face. I remember the pressure they exuded as they worked their way against all of my will as I tried to keep that ridiculous smile plastered on my face. Don't cry! Do NOT cry! I didn't... not really. I probably did that night.

And I definitely did years earlier when I tried out for a community production of Oliver. I forgot my ill-prepared song.... sang quietly, and shakily. I was SO SHY, and nervous and was terrible at everything. I auditioned with my two cousins and older sister. They all got in. I didn't.

Since then (approximately, as that was the last time I tried out for anything) I have had a really tough time asking for things if I didn't think I would get the answer I wanted-- and every time I forced myself to do so and got rejected made it even harder. Even the anonymous rejection of not getting a call-back after applying for a job made putting out each additional application that much harder. I hint at things rather than ask, just in case I don't get them. It doesn't lessen the disappointment if my hints go unnoticed and I don't get what I wanted, but it doesn't hurt as much as if I was told no straight out. I also have a hard time applying for jobs I'm not entirely qualified for, so I keep getting stuck at the kind of places I've been working for the past few years.

It has also made me feel like I'm too old for things- "real" college, for example. Plus I applied to UNH (the Thomson school, because I had bad grades) and they denied me... which hurt, especially since I heard "UNH takes everyone. You'll definitely get in!" from a lot of people.

And from playing the violin. I have a really hard time reading music, and I always have. It all just sort of blends together into one big mess, rather than me being able to see it like I would when i read words. It's like when I try to clean a disorganized room. If it's all just one big pile I just stare at it helplessly and sit down, where as if I have a focused task (like shopvacing the floor on hands and knees) I can do it without hesitation. I just get overstimulated or something. I also feel like I'm too old to start learning an instrument. When I first got it I was really excited but then I was afraid that when I went for lessons, the instructor would expect me to be better because I was an adult... that they would get frustrated with me for not being able to read music quickly. Or that they would make fun of me because the seven year olds they teach catch on quicker than I would. It was ultimately too much and my poor, dear violin has sat in its case forlornly waiting to make beautiful sounds.

Well, lately I explained to Cora that no, I don't play violin. I just have one and wish I did. So I asked her to tune it for me, and she's adjusted it a couple times because evidently the strings needed stretching. Well tonight, since everyone is asleep and I saw it just sitting there in the hall corner tempting me, I picked it up and brought it into the living room. I opened the case and lifted it gently out, picking each string to hear its noise. I slid the bow out of the case and lightly ran it across the strings a few times, but knew something wasn't right and realized the bow wasn't tightened... and then I slid the tightened bow across the strings a few times and Oh! The sounds they made. I could feel them resonate inside the violin. It sang even after I lifted the bow from the string. I, obviously, didn't actually play anything, and it probably wasn't in tune, but just those few notes (however off key they were) made me remember why I loved the violin so much.

And that is what made me write all of this, and I'm going to face at least one of those fears. I'm going to learn how to play the violin. Some how. Whether Cora teaches me (which I don't think we feasibly have time for) or I'll start getting lessons when i am working more (another fear I'm working on anyway).

And now, as I think again about that awful audition... why didn't I just recite Jabberwocky, which I'd had memorized since before I could read all of the words in it. I used to jump on the bed reciting it. I recorded myself at age 8 reciting it in what was probably an awful English accent (but maybe not). I probably would have gotten a great part, considering how long the poem is and how much emotion you can put into it, and totally destroyed the play on opening night.
But that's the fear talking again, isn't it? Most likely, I would have gotten used to being on stage, learned my lines well, and would have done all right... maybe even been in drama club in high school. Who knows?

2010-06-10T00:18:00.002-04:00

Sometimes when I see the garbage people pass off as "crafting" or "art" I just want to tell them they're fucking terrible.

I mean.... slapping stickers on something isn't art, you fucktard. Otherwise, my three year old daughter is probably still more talented than you.

Whoa. You put made bingo cards into a really shoddy (and shitty) looking lampshade. I bet your decor is awesome...

I also bet your house is yellowed with cigarette smoke and even your mangy cats have emphysema.

Yes, I get it. This makes me a bad person. Whatever. At least I'm a bad person who is creative. And has the good sense not to post garbage online and pretend I'm fucking awesome.

Aaaaand it's time for bed for this grumpy bitch. Maybe the 90-year-old hips 'God' placed in my 25 year-old-body will stop hurting at some point and I will stop wanting to inflict physical harm on everyone.

Upside:24 days til I get a kitten!

2010-06-04T00:11:00.002-04:00

Somehow writing that entire post pulled all of the get-up-and-go right out of me. And now I'm half-watching Joe Biden talk to some guy on channel 2 on accident (he's not talking on accident, I'm watching on accident) and I realize that I don't really care because whatever. He's not Sarah Palin, therefore, I'm alright with him.

I think that's going to be my basic judge of human character. It will be two simple questions:
1. Are you Sarah Palin?
2. Do you like Sarah Palin?

If both answers are "fuck, no!" you're alright in my book, friend.

Aw, hell. It's time for bed.

A completely different post than I planned on writing, even though I hadn't planned anything at all.

2010-06-02T02:27:00.003-04:00

I have too much to say, but it seems that none of it means anything... it's all just words and no meaning.

Writing it out is pointless but here I am, hoping to make some sense of the thoughts tumbling around in my brain... and now I don't even remember what I wanted to say in the first place. Either seasonal depression has left, or the change in my birth control was a good move. Either way, I'm feeling better than I think I have felt in ages, but honestly, with mild depression, it seems like you were down forever and you never actually felt up. Ever. It's all doom, and gloom and unending, unrelenting darkness and misery and you WILL NEVER FEEL BETTER. And then you do, and you think "hm... maybe it wasn't as bad as I though? Maybe I was never that depressed."

But suddenly it seems as if the entire emotional fog has lifted and I remember being depressed, and feeling bad (again, it doesn't feel like I could have possibly been that bad, but my blog says I was crying, so perhaps it was. (I have to depend on things like my blog and facebook to remind me of how I've been feeling because my memory is so bad. Something I'm hoping will also be remedied by a change in birth control. I'm not holding out hope...) but I know I'm feeling good now, and more whole than I've felt in a long while.

It's hard to remember what things felt like before pregnancy, which is the last time I was hormone-changing-foreign-object free. And even if I could recall everything correctly, my life was in such a strange state of flux, between homes and jobs and cars and relationships that really, when could anything have felt normal? And before that was high school which I remember being a very mixed bag of extremes that I wouldn't care to relive. Between the epic fights and thinking I was falling in love and actually falling in love and then breaking my own heart doing what I thought was the right thing, but probably turned out to be pointless, well... it wasn't an easy time, emotionally. Before that was middle school which is as close to government sanctioned emotional torture as you can get without travelling to a war zone or Guantanamo Bay.

So I am suddenly feeling like this is the first time in my life when I could possibly feel like a normal human being, which is a strange thing to realize. I feel as if I am finally in a mental state that I can take stock of my life, my emotions, my relationships, and decide without the weight of constant change, where I want my life to go. It could be a scary place, but I am not going to let it get that way. I need to renew my efforts (which, honestly, were never really newed in the first place) to lose weight, to get a job, to write, damn it!

I am finally in ownership of my life, and I have been wasting it sitting around on the internet (the irony doesn't escape me), and watching TV constantly. I have these ideas which are genius floating inside my brain. They have beginnings and ends and even shady middles. I idolize people like Neil Gaiman, who are such wonderful, creative, intelligent people who GET. SHIT. DONE. Meanwhile, I watch tv, and read facebook and twitter updates like it's my job and hope to win the lottery so I can be like Peter from Office Space and do nothing all day. (for those of you wondering, I don't really play the lottery until it gets huge and everyone does because who doesn't want 290 million dollars? and even then it's like... one ticket for the drawing someone wins and I feel dumb because I lost a dollar and got my hopes up even though, duh, I'm never going to win, but someone has to because look, some fat walmart person who wears tweety bird teeshirts with no bra and don't know how to wash between the folds just got more money than I can ever even really comprehend, and my god, why is the world so unfair and then I spiral back into that deep angry depression pit, but with an even deeper hatred for stupid people who smell bad who I have to deal with at my job because I didn't win the lottery and they're buying cheez doodles and soda and lobster with their food stamps while I can barely afford to buy burgers and salad stuff with my hard-earned 130 dollar a week paycheck, one of which I just wasted on a damn piece of paper and shattered dreams) Where the hell was I? Ownership and slackerism. Right.

So I'm promising myself that I will work harder on making the house to somewhat resemble somewhere a person who cares about themselves and their surroundings look like. I will paint and decorate and clean. I will finally sew and put some curtains up (only slightly over 6 months since I've moved in). I will redouble (or maybe requadrulpe) my efforts in writing and I will finish something by the end of the year. Maybe even Josh Farthing, but more likely the myth/short story that I already have a completed outline on. But who knows? That shouldn't take that long since it's supposed to be a "short story" anyway. Either way, I'm going to really crack down. I will finish some damn knitting projects and be able to wear or display them. I will make and finish gifts I promised or started ages ago (connie, i'm the worst friend ever. I know.) I will make sophie something more than an tiny mostly-felted octopus.

The last and certainly most difficult part of this is getting in shape. And the shape I'm talking about is better shape than I've ever been in in my adult life without the aid of three months of severe vomiting. I don't just want to be thin: I want to be healthy and strong. But also thin. I want my thighs to not touch... that's basically where I say 'success'. There is so much involved in getting fit that it's a little overwhelming, especially not really knowing much about the whole process. It's constant vigilance on what I eat, and when, and how much. And finding time to exercise which shouldn't be that hard but is. I would like to be able to walk/jog/run around the commons, but I can't take sophie with me because then we'll have to stop and play on the playground with all of the little vermin that are there unsupervised, and they are SO annoying. They see an adult paying attention to a child and they flock like flocking things to an object they like.

Well, I've lost my steam and my blog-writing abilities have certainly decreased from beginning to end so I'm going to finish watching Robot Chicken, and then read. Because that's what productive adults do at 2:24 am, right? (it's a process)

2010-02-28T13:06:00.000-05:00

I stepped on the scale today, just to make sure it wasn't playing a trick. 149.8 again. I am pleased, more than. Thrilled. 10 lbs exactly. I step in front of the mirror and lift my shirt and i can see there are changes already. Creases less deep, belly less full. My pants slide off my hips, they sag around my thighs and ass. I have never been more happy about clothing not fitting me.

It has been about three years since I started gaining weight. I started at 115 and when I got to 159 I was scared, SO SCARED, that I would break 160. I felt like 160 was where I drew the line, where i gave up and was just fat. Not just fat, obviously I am, or would be, more than that as my body doesn't define me. I'm saying that it felt like if I hit that mark I was telling myself I was content to being bigger than I could be. Should be. But I knew I couldn't let myself get there.
On January 2nd, I gave up on my old ways. I was spurred on by a friend losing 50 lbs with a lifestyle change that involved exercise and eating better. He looks SO great, I can't believe how quickly he did it and how good he looks. I haven't really involved exercise much, other than moving into a house with stairs, but that part is coming soon. It's not that I don't want to work out... or that more like I don't want to want to do it, it's that I think about it and say yes, that is a good idea, but I'm watching TV, or playing a game or messing around like an idiot on my laptop wasting hours, precious hours of my life I'll never get back, doing NOTHING worthwhile. It's laziness, embarrassingly pure and simple.
BUT! With a bit of potion control, calorie checking and dropping soda, and most candy/donuts (sort of) I have already lost 10 lbs. And the best part is that I don't miss the old foods too terribly. Lately I have been getting donuts with lunch but not every day like I used to (so dumb). Since January 2nd, I have drank three Dr. Peppers from restaurants, and one Sprite with blackberry. I did not get refills and told the waitresses to only give me the one soda, then it was water after. I am not subbing soda for juice which is still full of sugars and calories, instead it's sparkling flavored water that tastes way better than I ever thought it would. I drink them like they are going out of style. They may give me brain tumors some day, and I'd really prefer that they don't but at least, for now, they're helping me lose weight.
I also, for the most part, gave up fast food. We ate WAY too much of it before which is terrible and an epic waste of money. And stupid. I have probably had that only a handful of times since the second and I'm really pleased with my progress so far. Now if I could only make myself use the Wii Fit more often, things would go along much more quickly.

Valentines Day NonCelebration Success!

2010-02-14T23:10:00.000-05:00

So, despite not having any real plans, Shawn and I hung out together and had a lovely valentines day. We didn't have any arguments, we talked about our someday-plans, and we went shopping. We even went out to eat... only because we were already out and hadn't eaten at home. It was a complete success.

Even though Shawn locked his keys in his car this morning at work and had to get a ride home, then back to work, from his boss. Whatever. Things happen. It did not hamper our fun at all.

Funny story: I went to bed late last night feeling grumpy, wanting a dog, and hating people and being pissed about kill shelters and crying a little over the page of "last chance" dogs I found last night. Poor puppies. It makes me so sad that they're going to be put down soon because people are assholes, irresponsible or stupid. At least when we got a dog that we couldn't take care of anymore, we gave him to someone who would love him and take care of him. (plus it's good that we gave him to Shawn's parents when we did because I have developed a pretty serious allergy to him, so I wouldn't have been able to keep him anyway). OK, back to the story...

I set my alarm because I knew Shawn was going to be at work and wouldn't be home to wake me up so I could get to Miriam's house to make curtains. (we'd been planning this for President's Day for a couple weeks and I was excited that the day had finally come.) So this morning, my alarm went off and I woke up, turned it off and then laid there for a few minutes trying to figure out why the heck my alarm was going off... what was it? what was it again?? OH right. Miriam's house. Before D&D. Which I do every monday....

A few moments later I realize what you all noticed the moment you read the above paragraph, I am an idiot, and it is sunday. I don't need to be awake. I sleep til Shawn calls me around noon to come downstairs and let him in the house. We're back to wear I started now.

I do my make up and get dressed and ready to go out clothes shopping with Shawn, (because andy is on his way to bring us back to our car). I get to use my new eyeshadow and lip gloss for the first time (ooh, girly and exciting) and I'm pleased with the way both colors look on me. Finally. I think that, at 25, I'm finally learning what colors are good for my skin tone. Only about 10 years after I start using it.

We go to Chilis for lunch where I learn they've taken one of my favorite items (cobb salad with the best deep friend chicken EVER) off the menu. The waitress tells me I can get it anyway, but without egg. Not such a big deal, but it was a good addition. I order my first soda since January 2nd, but it's OK-I only had one and it wasn't even Dr. Pepper which I have a substance abuse problem with. I get a sprite with blackberry. I enjoyed it immensely, sipping slowly and savoring it because I know I'm only having one. But one was enough. Good for willpower.

Next is Kohl's where I get two jersey knit cardigans, three pairs of socks, a graphic tee, and a really cute knit trench coat, which is really just a fancy sweatshirt. I LOVE it and I love the way I feel in it. And all for ~$85.
We go to the mall where, at Ann Taylor Loft I get five shirts for $32. Then at Express I get one more for $6 when I thought it was $10.
Guys, you won't really understand this but Ladies: I won Shopping today. I looked great in all but one thing I tried on, and I loved everything I got AND it was all on sale or clearance. I'll say it again: I won!
And here's proof. My hair doesn't look great but everything else does. (also, pretty much every shirt I bought is a boob shirt. Weird.

(I swear I'm not wicked vain, I just wanted to show off my new clothes. And yes, I only like how I look from one angle/side.)

We went to Breaking New Grounds in Portsmouth where I drank a freaking delicious Chai and unknit the last row of my Swallowtail shawl that I needed to undo so I could get on track and after all of the problems I've had with the last inch and a half or so of shawl, I have the right number of stitches!! Happy dance! Jazz hands! High Fives and Fist Pumps (like a champ, obviously) all around! I am so psyched. Shawn then orders the new (RED!!!) 120 gb zunes we've been talking about getting. This day gets better and better. We chat a bit... but I don't get anything productive done on my story like I [halfheartedly] wanted to. Boo.
I remember that I need the next books for my book club: Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials so we stop at Barnes and Noble where I get a super pretty box set (pictured above in the slide show) for 32 dollars (hooray Jen's discount card!). I am REALLY excited to read these books again. I loved them the first time, and I'm excited to go on this adventure with people who haven't read them-especially the ending which is just SO cool.

On the way home we talk about writing, and why we want to be writers. We talk about our dreams. He says he loves New Hampshire. I think about it and say honestly, I hate it. I love my friends here, but I hate winter, muddy springs, humid summers. I hate slush and frost heaves and the way salt makes your car disgustingly dirty. The only good thing about New Hampshire is the colors of the trees in early autumn, and the morning of the first snow, when everything is pure and untouched. When the trees are heavy with nature's frosting. Before the plows and sand and footprints. Before you have to drive in it, and maybe crash into a van and then have to fight with an insurance company (who eventually gives up when they realize they don't have a leg to stand on, and I am NOT going to pay them back, especially money for damage that is NOT my fault. Ever.). Also I love Portsmouth. But I feel like I could find a place like that elsewhere in the country, where it's nicer year round.

And really, I'd like to live in Italy or the South of France, where the water is glassy blue and the sand is white and a moped is a valid form of transportation. Where there is an open air market where you don't feel like everything looks like it's been stepped on and will taste like exhaust.

And we talk about how we have to write, have to get published (if Stephanie Meyer can, I have to believe I can) and have to make money to give ourselves the life we actually want. And then I say that despite all that, we're still going to go home and watch TV or play videogames because we suck.

And that is basically what we do. Slackass lazy bastards? Yes, we are.

Then I did a little photo shoot for myself, and that brings us to now. All in all, I had a really enjoyable day with Shawn, but I'm still glad we didn't exchange cards or gifts because I think that bit is overrated. Plus regular cards suck, pretty much. We spent time together, happily, talking and enjoying each others company.

It was a very, very good day.

2010-01-29T01:35:00.001-05:00

I have run out of room on my Netflix queue. It is really no surprise as the movie that I just put in the mail (at 12:30 am) I have had for at least three months. Classic Jewelie. I am now resolved to watch the shit out of my netflix movies so I can empty it out and add more TV on DVD.

Aaaand onto the real stuff:
The past few days I've been noticing the mess around me more. I think it's because I like this apartment, and I want it to look as decent as a bunch of non-matching hand me down furniture can. The walls are still ugly as all get out, but I'm not noticing that as much as I did when I moved in. You fill a room with stuff, and you tend to not notice (as much) what is surrounding that stuff, I guess. There is still SO MUCH MORE that needs to be done. I have finally finished all of the laundry except for a pile (enough for a small load) in Sophie's room next to her changing table, and the clothes Shawn and I have worn in the past few days. It's exciting. I don't think we've ever been at this point in the laundry before without spending about 50 dollars. Having your own washer and dryer is amazing. I can be the kind of adult who separates clothes by color and washer/dryer setting. I have a rack to hang things that shouldn't be dried! I shouldn't be excited about these things but I really am!

I tried to unpack all of the boxes of bathroom stuff tonight but I just ended up making a ridiculous mess all over the bathroom floor because the one downgrade for the bathroom was the lack of storage. We have a pedestal sink (sort of) so there's no cabinet under it. It's just a wall mounted sink with no counter space (not awesome) and thin wooden legs holding it up. I am going to get some more of the yellow and purple tulips fabric from jo-ann's and make a curtain to go around the legs, so I can store things under there without them being ugly and cluttery. I haven't figured out HOW I'm going to hang it though. I was thinking about some screws with a really sturdy wire wrapped around them and the curtains going over that. The problem there is that it would be a real pain in the ass to take them down when they need to be washed.

OK, after some googling, I found that basically what I want is a sink skirt, only not one like this, because honestly, if my bathroom looked like this, I would take a razor to my wrists and spray the blood all over this garbage.

Seriously. That shit is horrendous. Anyway, speaking of sewing curtain like things, I really need to get on making curtains for the rooms that I already bought fabric for. The bedrooms each only have one window and right now we've got the super classy thing going: afghans hung as curtains. Yes, we are that awesome. I have enough fabric and lining muslin for all three living room windows and both windows in the office, as well as the one tiny window in the bathroom. I also have a thicker canvas-y type fabric in my stash for our bedroom. I have nothing for Sophie's room or the kitchen yet because I want really cute stuff, and I'm not going to spend 9 dollars a yard on fabric, so I'll just wait til it's on sale or I have a coupon. Speaking of that, super cute Valentines day fabric should be on sale any time now which means I need to carve some cash out of the budget to buy some.

I've also been seeing the sneakier messes. Toothpaste on the mirror, cat hair on the side of the toilet bowl, cat litter EVERYWHERE. The kitchen floor needs to be mopped, the counters constantly need to be washed. There is cat hair on every surface, including the food, because honestly, that shit breeds faster than rabbits. I will open a brand new thing of butter, pick up the butter knife and BAM! hairy butter. I don't understand. Not one bit. The living room and office are also crazy cluttered, mostly with Sophie's toys, which are so ugly and annoying, but she's not old enough to be sequestered up in her room (as easy as that would be for Shawn and I). But I am looking forward to the day when we don't have to allow her larger toys to come downstairs (like this stupid dora vantiy that is sitting just a few feet from me).

Today I realized that it is the 28 (well, 29th now) and that (HOLY SHIIIIIIT!!!) my outline for my "short" story is due on the 31st. What? When did that sneak up on me? Despite this past month feeling like the longest 28 days of my life, I totally spaced that I needed progress for my writing group. I kept "trying" to write something but not very hard, or I would be set to and then BAM distraction. Also if I had time to write at work I would get so much done, as there is nothing else there to distract me except for really stupid people.

Speaking of my awful job, I almost flipped out at some wicked rude old lady because she was freaking out because I wasn't bagging her shit right. UGH. She emptied out a bag I'd just filled and then was telling me what to put where. I almost just chucked her shit and walked off, but I really don't need to be fired, so I had to deal with it. Then I willed her to get hit by a car on her way out of the store. It's a good thing I don't have magic powers because there would be SO MANY dead people. I did crush her lettuce and english muffins though, so that's good.
And on the topic of jobs, I sent my resume out to six different companies today, so hopefully I'll hear something back from them soon. I'm giving them until monday and then I'm going to make a bunch of calls to see if they're interested in mah bad self, or if the jobs are still available. God I need to work full time.

Wow. Sidetracked, much? Back to the writing thing: I really only need to do a solid outline of the first few chapters to get myself going, and then after that I will just write as the story comes, with a VERY basic set of guidelines. UGH. I really need to crack down on that, and don't have a ton of time to do it in. I suppose that I will probably have some free time/alone time on Sunday morning/afternoon before I go to Holly's house at 5 for the Dollhouse party (which I really need to catch up on the last two episodes before they expire tomorrow).
And speaking of Dollhouse, I think I'll watch Stop Loss now, so I don't risk missing it.

Secrets Revealed, Items Forgotten, Skills Taught, and Dealings of the Shady Variety

2010-01-23T23:59:00.091-05:00

Today started out rather later than it was supposed to. I set the alarm in my phone and clicked the little button marked Sunday and that was that. I went to sleep and woke up annoyed to a phone calling, thinking "Who on Earth is calling me at this ungodly hour? Honestly!" then looked at the time... "Holy shit, 11? How is it 11?!? I set my damn alarm" and I opened up the alarm program and confirmed that yes, it's set for 9am on Sunday. And I realized what anyone reading already has. Today isn't Sunday. It's Saturday, and I set it for the wrong day. It was Connie who had called and was questioning whether she'd missed an important announcement like "We're not coming today." which, of course, she hadn't. I just suck at setting alarms. I texted Jen, got up, washed my hair and had to style it because I got a HAIR CUT!! (BAM! Secret revealed!!)

So an hour later I head out only to remember almost a mile from the house, that I left the flat iron on. I know it has an auto shut off and it's on the edge of the tub which won't burn, but I also have a kitty who could knock it onto himself, so I turn around and run in and shut it off. (mishap #1).

I finally get to the cafe a little over an hour late, and we hang out and knit and everyone says they LOVE my new hair. I bask in the glow.

So we hang out and knit for a while and decide the best plan of attack for the rest of the day is to leave Somersworth, get lunch at Subway in Dover, got to Rochester to stop at my house for the food and a pattern for the crochet party tonight, go to Barrington to get Jen's embroidery fabric and measure Jen's mom's laptop, then head to Newington to find a laptop bag, maybe yarn, buttons, and a CD. We look at Best Buy (where I did NOT find the CD I wanted to buy) and Staples for a laptop bag. No dice. Jen gets a call from her dad (a cop) while we're in Best Buy and he says he needs a backpack with very important-to-his-job keys inside and he needs it soon. Jen says we'll finish our stuff in town then head to her house then back to Somersworth to drop off the bag. We go to Jo-Anns and I find the yarn I need for mitts i need to make...

I loved these gloves the moment I saw them on the show and it is entirely necessary that I make them in order to properly mourn the loss of Rose from one of my new favorite shows. Seriously this episode killed me and made me cry. I honestly didn't think I'd get so attached to Rose but I really really did, and it makes me so sad that she's not on the show anymore (sad face). The yarn I got is a bit brighter... more vibrant than what most people used but that's OK because it's NEW and I really love the color. Also because the lighting in here blows to the max, the color in this photo is not totally accurate, but it's close enough. (What's up, Facebook!)

So we leave Jo-Anns, both Jen and I finally getting what we came for we head out to go back to Barrington to Jen's for the backpack. On the way out of Newington Jen realizes we didn't go to TJMaxx for the bag. We'll check somersworth. We go the Jen's and get the bag.

And then I realize that ZOMGWTFBBQ I forgot the FONDUE POT! End of the world type stuff, this is. I call Shawn and ask if he can go to the old apartment, break in with a screwdriver and get it. He reluctantly agrees and then moments later calls back saying "Hey, you know what? Buy a new one. Target. 30 Bucks. Do it." But much longer than that with way more pauses to check things online. Cool. Target. Right near TJMaxx and we're only an hour late for the crochet party. Good timing us.

THEN!!! We get a call from Jen's dad saying that he needs to haul ass to a possible domestic abuse and he needs his keys! It's like a heist. We're going to meet in a dark parking lot and exchange a bag for cash (NO JOKE! there was a full exchange... it was only gas money, but still) We hit many red lights and we're freaking out because a woman or child could be being beaten to within an INCH OF THEIR LIFE!!!1!!111!! This is suddenly the most important thing we've ever done. This is a mission and the timer is ticking and adrenaline is running high. We are SO CLOSE and we see his cruiser pull out of the parking lot and park in the turning lane near the parking lot because he saw us at the last minute and I quote "almost couldn't wait" (!!!) He climbs the snowbank between the lot and the road and Jen throws him the back and he tosses her cash, not even knowing if she had it in her hand or not (true story) runs back to his cruiser, flips the blues and takes off. Mission effing accomplished.

TJMaxx is a bust (figures) and we head to Target (where, surprise, there are no laptop bags that are big enough) for the fondue pot and some cute little barrettes for my new haircut (little kid molded plastic type ones with rabbits, birds, bows and other awesome things like that in salmon, mint, denim and white):

We take off and after many jokes about car accidents and broken ankles, we finally arrive at Holly's house TWO HOURS LATE. By 9pm, after eating mini-foods like quesadillas with jalapeno-jack cheese, spanikopita bites, mini blueberry muffins, and english muffin pizzas (great meal, by the way) we are off and crocheting by 9 pm. Jen is teaching Holly and I am teaching Robin and Mandy (with occasional help from Jen). We got them casting on, doing single and half-double crochet, and Holly even moved on to double crochet! Yay! Next lesson is double crochet, and granny squares. We had a really fun night laughing about putting it through the butt, "slutty" stitches, deep throats, and all sorts of other things involving crochet but sound wicked dirty (like "Sometimes I turn it over and use my nails to force it between the butt and the arms.") We did a lot of laughing then finally called it quits and ate some chocolate fondue which was so good. Also the one non-mini thing was a giant cupcake, which was a great juxtaposition to all of the normal food being tiny. It was a great touch on Holly's part. We actually tried calling and texting people to come eat the fondue but noone wanted to because it was midnight (note about the timeline of the night and when this was published. I'm predating this post so it shows as Saturday because I'm still awake so in my brain its not Sunday yet... you know how that goes.)
We cleaned up a bit, and finally headed out and I got home around 1 or something. Thiessen came up and did his nightly thing of jumping up on my lap three or four times before finally settling elsewhere. He may be a big, fat, hairy beast, but he is such a lovey now that he's all alone...

Also check out how LONG! his whiskers are:

And now I'm sitting here listening to my girl-crush, Jenny Owen Youngs sound sort of like Alanis Morrisette and writing this post and wishing it weren't actually 3AM and way too late to start an episode of Doctor Who.

So I suppose I ought to head up to bed now... and maybe I'll read some Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters or The Shining. We'll see what I'm in the mood for when I finally get up stairs.

And lastly, my big goal tomorrow is write out something fairly detailed for Evelyn to post in the Writers Group and maybe even start chapter one, in between reknitting the ribbing on the mitt I just finished, working on a shawl, new mitts, maybe a second mitt, sleeping late, and watching Doctor Who, but obviously not in that order. Whooo... what a busy, lazy day I have.

Goodnight, my sweet loyal readers (who don't exist).
And if you've gotten this far: Wow. Honestly, I'm surprised I got this far and I'm writing the damn thing.

2010-01-16T01:46:00.006-05:00

When your chest is the tripod...

(bipod?) it's hard to get a good picture.

I keep trying to write a post on here, but much like everything else I start, I find myself getting easily distracted part way through and then just give up. Story of my writing life. My fingers were so not in the mood for typing- the laborious task of tapping key after key without any real thought on my part where they should be moving (amazing the way we can train parts of our bodies to do that) other than thinking the words. (I've never really thought about that before and now I can't get how strange it is out of my head).

I feel like I have so many things going on but nothing worth talking about, even though in my head I could monologue all day. I haven't really written in quite a while, but I'd planned to write quite a bit lately. The move, Christmas, Sophie's birthday, my new story idea, lost cats, my job and the awful people I have to deal with. I will probably skip things, like Christmas and Sophie's birthday (both went well, she had a ton of fun and seems to be developing obsessive tendencies like being unable to pull wrapping paper off and throw it on the floor. She was either handing it off or putting it in the box we had to bring out for trash) and spend a lot of time on things I didn't even mention, like inspiration and crafting... so after two paragraphs of introduction I'll begin.

Knitting has been dragging along slowly because I lost a bunch of patterns in the mess of moving, and because I have things to knit which people have paid for but I really don't want to be knitting them. Unfortunately, I have to and I have discovered that when I am disinclined to make something, I knit considerably slower and its not as comforting and stress reducing as it normally is.

SIDE NOTE: theoretically, knitting is stress reducing. But I tend to screw up a lot because I don't pay as much attention as I should, which makes me angry and kills the calm I was about to achieve.

I am halfway done with a pair of really complicated gloves that I didn't ask enough money for and I need to start the next project ASAP because I need it for Marshall to give to his wife. Fortunately, It's a really simple hat which will only take me a few hours. UGH I am going to take a big break from knitting for money and just go where the mood takes me. Although I should probably do some more work on shawn's insanely involved blanket. (yikes)

On the other side of the crafty coin I have everything else I want to do. I have started looking at Cut Out & Keep and Craftster again and it's given me that old crafting bug again. I want to get more into embroidery and sewing, but I feel like I just don't have the energy. I have plans and fabric for curtains for the house and I haven't even started. Although honestly, it's a pretty damn big project and the only place where I (think) I will have enough space is the basement and the table that's down there is all cluttered (excuse... really poor excuse). Honestly, I'm a little scared I'm going to screw up the whole thing and waste a shitton of fabric money. Also, I think i need more tools... like measuring things and cutting things... and a better knowledge of tension on my sewing machine.

OH and curtains lead me to the apartment, which despite some entirely HIDEOUS design elements, like terrible coutry style wall borders in places where wall borders don't even make sense really... and the odd shades of yellow on the kitchen walls that I can't tell if they're from cigarette smoke or the color of the paint, and the wood paneling, OH GODS THE WOOD PANELING!, and the fact that our bedroom has linoleum tiles and nails sticking out of the floor, OH and the painted wallpaper covering horsehair plaster on the walls, and in spite of all of this I LOVE this place. I love the space I have and all of the possibilities and the ideas I have floating in my head about paint and curtains and walls and floors... plus I love the fact that this apartment feels like a house. We share a wall and the front porch with the neighbors, but we only go out there to get mail anyway. I have actually only seen one of my neighbors and I don't even remember what she looks like other than skinny, young and taller than me. I have a shitton of pictures to share but I don't want to show them off until I have their "look what I did with the place!" counterparts, so y'all will just have to wait.

I think the last thing to write about is the short story collection a few friends and I are doing. Shawn came up with the idea and started a writers group on Facebook, and we needed to have a story by 1/1. Unfortunately I was totally stumped for the whole month of December, and with stressing over the move and Christmas and everything I was just lost, then as I fell asleep one night, the rest of the story just came to me (before that I have the name Evelyn and the word Grey) then it seemed like I was getting little pieces just falling from the ether into my brain for me to make my own. I am excited about this idea, but honestly, I don't think it's going to fit into the novelette length that we're all aiming for. I think it's going to end up not only being a full length 'independent reader' book, but I think it might be the first of a series. I need to flesh out Ev's character more, as right now I don't know much about her.

SIDE NOTE: My cat is sitting on the floor next to me and I don't know if she only yawned, but I can smell her breath and it is SO FUCKING GROSS!!!!

I am trying to think of ways to make her more like a person and not a paper doll, and I don't know if that will just come as I write or if I should try to push everything together before I really start writing for real. All I know is that tomorrow I'm going to take a note book and I'm going to work on outlining (because the outline is due at the end of the month) and try to at least get a good idea about the first three (at least) chapters and then basic plot ideas for the rest and then basically see where it takes me. There is so much that needs to happen for this story and I am so excited about all of it. I love young adult books so much. It's somewhat embarrassing but it's probably my favorite genre. The thing that bothers me most about them is that they're too easy to read, and they go by too quickly, but I really can't complain about that.
The thing is there's this great adventure but there is always a real innocence to the characters and there is no sex and it is so comforting to be in that mindset, plus I tend to read things where it's got a fantastical edge to it, and it's nice because honestly, I have enough real world problems. I don't want to read about someone struggling with money and their shitty job and raising a kid in world where you have to be afraid of just about everyone because you don't know what the strangers around you are capable of and you have no idea if the guy in line next to you is going to just go apeshit and try to kill you with a butter knife, you know?
Anyway, I'm going to try to start updating more often because I feel like my brain is quieter when I do this... when I vomit these letters and words out for anyone (or almost anyone) to see.

Plus hopefully with more regular posts they won't be so ridiculously long like this one.

And now I'm off to bed to finish The Mysterious Benedict society then go to PTC tomorrow for knitting group. Man I love saturdays...

creativity and such grand plans

2009-11-29T18:03:00.001-05:00

When Sophie turns four I want to give her an amazing birthday. I want to make her things that she will remember fondly all of her life. I want her to look back on the days she spent playing with these things and smile. I want her to give them to her children (when she finally has them when she's in her mid to late 20s and has a good career and a good man. Or woman. As long as she's happy!)

I am going to start crocheting all sorts of food sets, as well as dishes, pans, and other kitchen things. She loves playing with her toy food and the sets I plan on making are going to be much more involved than the plastic garbage she has now. (I got her a set of about 100 play food pieces from WalMart for five dollars last year-obviously not the greatest quality) I also want to sew some stuffed animals and food items like the things this woman makes. She's such an inspiration.

I also want to build her a kitchen that can grow as she does. Something that is much sturdier and more realistic than the big plastic ones that are way more expensive than they're worth. Sort of like this:

I'm even thinking of using real fixtures and knobs to make it more realistic. And maybe even putting actual lights in... and eventually a place for something like an easy bake oven. Which I never had so I need to make sure that Sophie and I play with hers all the time! I plan on learning to cook as she does!

Another thing I've got in the works in another story idea. I had a really cool/weird dream the other night that I woke up and immediately wrote the whole thing down. Why is it that I'm always more creative when I'm asleep?? I am honestly really excited about this idea and both Jen and Shawn say there's something there. It's weird because I know that it's my brain coming up with the weird things I dream about but it still feels like getting ideas from dreams is stealing them... like I didn't actually come up with it-it came to me. It still needs a lot of paring down and cleaning out the random weird dream elements but it really was a very cool dream.

Well, it's time for me to get started on crocheting. I'm going to be using other patterns online for inspiration and if it turns out that I can't make these things by guessing it out, then I'll buy the pattern, but if I can do it myself then there's really no sense in paying six dollars a pattern. If I paid for all of them, Sophie's birthday next year would be insanely expensive.

Oh, one more thing: I wish I lived in an area where I could open up the walls of my house like they do in My Neighbor Totoro. So cool. Too bad I have such a fear of moths because I could never actually handle that.

(edit: Not a) Disappointment.

2009-11-19T23:37:00.002-05:00

So far, we haven't heard anything from the prospective landlord, which leads me to believe we didn't get the apartment. As much as I tried not to, I had my hopes up for that place. It is probably a lot better than anything we're going to end up with... with our credit and (probably) bad reference from Jennifer.

And our landlord does want us out because supposedly people have refused to buy this shit hole because of the cat smell. Oh, really? It's not the Kool-Aid man shaped hole in the basement wall... aka FOUNDATION? It's not the mountain range that has formed in the bottom floor apartment due to how much the house shifts? The fact that all of the windows need replacing? The doors on the upstairs apartment don't shut or lock properly (and the bottom door doesn't even have a door knob?) No? It's the cat smell? The least expensive thing to fix? Congratulations. You're an idiot. And if anyone did say that, they were lying. This place is a garbage dump and is only worth the land its built on. AND SWEET BABY JESUS 174,900??? Are you serious? I'm actually shocked the price tag is that high. I thought for sure it'd have gone down by now. It can't possibly be worth this much.

Back to Craigslist I go, I suppose. I'll give him til tomorrow night to fully give up on him but once again... I am assuming it's a no.

ETA WE GOT IT!!!!!!!!!

When life hands you lemons, cry until someone makes you lemonade.

2009-11-13T17:07:00.000-05:00

It really pays to know your favorite band personally...
I was having a freak out and my friend, Christopher Pappas of The Everyday Visuals promised me he was about to ease my pain.
10 minutes later he sends me this link. What a great guy, huh? And cute too!

Getting Sickly

2009-11-09T12:23:00.001-05:00

I believe I've officially spent too much time with my sick friend. My nose is sniffly, my back hurts and I have a headache.
Hmm... or it could be the stupid fabric softener my daughter came home with her clothes reeking of. Seriously, why do they all smell so strongly.
I'm also really effing tired and despite having another day off where I should be writing, especially because I have no real plans today, I am so not in the mood. Although come to think of it, this is really all I am in the mood for... pretending to talk to people about every single little pointless thought I have. How very self involved of me.

I was supposed to make lasagna this weekend, and I completely forgot, so now there is a lb of bad burger in my fridge. I am awesome. I'll make it today with the sausage, I guess.

Holy shit, I am so dull.

ugh, i've even lost interest in doing this...

Not Quite a Book Club, but almost...

2009-11-07T10:14:00.004-05:00

The Year of Steven King Reading List

(beginning with a selection of stand-alone books and short story compilations, then moving to books related to The Dark Tower Series)

Key:

* important

#1-7 Dark Tower Series

+mild importance

Stand-Alone Books
•    The Shining
•    Misery
•    Needful Things
•    The Green Mile
•    Carrie
•    Tommyknockers
Collections
•    Night Shift
•    Different Seasons
•    Four Past Midnight
•    Nightmares and Dreamscapes
•    Just After Sunset
The Dark Tower (The Epic Version)
•    Eyes of the Dragon *
•    The Gunslinger #1
•    The Talisman *
•    The Drawing of the Three #2
•    The Regulators + (Richard Bachman)
•    Bag of Bones +
•    The Wasteland #3
•    The Stand *
•    Wizard and Glass #4
•    Desperation +
•    Skeleton Crew +
•    Salems Lot *
•    Wolves of the Calla #5
•    Rose Madder +
•    Everything Eventual +
•    IT *
•    Song of Susannah #6
•    View from a Buick 8 ( I don’t know… ask Matt)
•    Hearts in Atlantis *
•    Insomnia *
•    Black House (sequel to The Talisman)
•    The Dark Tower #7

Note: We will begin in January, and other than the Dark Tower Series (The EpicVersion) the books wont be read in order. I'll take suggestions for which should be read first, but I'm leaning toward Misery or The Shining.

Day 3 Blog- In which the author rambles too much out of exhaustion.

2009-11-03T23:59:00.001-05:00

NaNoWriMo. 50,000 words. Thirty days. One Novel. I can do this.

My first couple days were a bit of a bust. As of yesterday, I'd had less than half of what I'd written by then the year before. Although day 3, 2008, I didn't write anything, and today was my most productive day so far, and as of right now, I have last years word count beaten by almost five hundred words, so I guess I'm doing OK.

I am going to take a picture of myself at the end of the day, every day, this month to track what this work is doing to me. Honestly, I expect to gain a little weight this month as I'll be drinking caffeinated beverages and sitting on my ass, although how different that is from my daily routine, well... we'll see.

So, today went well. I didn't do much during the time when i'd normally be working, but I did hang out with my mom and Sophie, get my car registered (squee! although it cost almost $150.) and talk to Ashleigh at PTC about which hat she wants me to make for her and her boyfrieng (which, if you care: her original request and the pattern we decided on). So I did get some stuff done, just not the noveling I had planned.

When I picked Shawn up from work, he and I went to Weeksies pizza and met up with some other WriMos. They're a fun group... Calli and her husband Alex (I think), A dude named John (again, I think), another woman whose name I can't remember, and Calli's friend Sue who just moved here from Arizona. I really like the Write Ins, and although I didn't get much work done at tonights or the one on the first, I still find them beneficial. Even if I never really get work done at them, I think I'll feel the same way. Just being surrounded by people who have the same goal as you makes you feel good. Plus, we all have a similar sense of humor, which is awesome. In fact, on the 10th or 11th, we are going to have a Write Out (as in Five is right out!) at Calli's house where we will get together to (hopefully) drink a little and watch Eddie Izzard on Netflix Instant Watch. I was very excited that everyone at the table I was sitting at on Sunday knew and could reference Eddie Izzard and Monty Python, and then today it was The Princess Bride. We're all a little weird and nerdy, but we seem to fit together well enough.

After we got home, and I put Sophie to bed, I screwed around on my computer for a little while (and definitely longer than I should have) but then I [mostly] cracked down and got to work and ended up 1,999 words in just under two hours, in addition to my 597 words of outline and my 803 words written at the write in. It (meaning YWriter) says I wrote 488 words already today but I didn't work that long after midnight... maybe 6 minutes... so I don't really know how that is possible. And now that I'm thinking about it, I'm wondering if it has some internal clock which wasn't set to 'fall back.' Either way, I write a good amount and I'm totally caught up. In order to finish on time I need to write a little under 1700 words per day, which really isn't that hard... as long as I stay focused.

So, to my story, I am finally working on Joshua Farthing. After about five years of this little egg incubating, it's finally time to make an omelet. Or a chicken. Either way, we're getting started. I am through the prologue and almost done with chapter one. I have the next two chapters outlined, and from there... well, hopefully Josh & co. know where they're going because I sure as hell don't. Yikes. I'm sure it'll work out though. I mean... I can't just type "help" over and over again until I get to 50K. (or can I?)

Provided that I make a couple hours for myself every night, I should be able to finish with words to spare. And even if I miss a night, or only get a few hundred a few times throughout the month, I should be able to make up for it. I mean, some people write 50K in one weekend, so... I can totally do it in 30 days.

Right now I have characters that need more personality and physical descriptions, places that need mapping, and the whole middle of a story that is mostly blank. So far the Big Bad's motivation is that she is just a douche. Awesome. (No, it's not.) So that definitely needs some work... I'm sure she'll reveal the why at some point, but hopefully it's sooner rather than later.

The big difference I'm finding though, between myself and other WriMos, is that I am not just trying to write words. I'm trying to write a worthwhile, publishable story. Ever since I can remember, the only thing I really wanted to be was a writer. I vaguely remember other child hood dreams, like teacher (because I could have summers and weekends off), ballet dancer (despite never having taken lessons), scientist (specific, non?), singer or actress. OH, you know, that's not totally true. I also have always wanted to travel the world. I remember my cousin and I sat with a globe on the kitchen table at her house and we wrote a big list of all the countries we were going to visit together someday. (and an idea like that is laughable now, for many reasons.) But back to my point, before I even liked reading books, I liked writing, and always found making up stories pretty easy. My imagination was always running wild while I was supposed to be doing actual work, and I loved when we got to do creative writing for class. I think my skill at making things up has faded a bit now, and I'm always worrying that I'm accidentally copying something I've read and forgotten about, and that's not something that concerns you when you're a kid. Mostly, you copy things you like because you already know they're cool. (Gah! I keep getting off track... anyway, big difference) The others seem like they're in it just to do it. They have no shame about word count padding, and even go as far as not deleting things if they don't like the way they were written. They just do a strike-through and consider them 'words written' and count it toward the goal.

Right now I have my outline counting toward my total word count, but I just need that to get my numbers higher so I can boost my morale, but as soon as I've got some padding, I'll switch them back so they don't.

Another fun thing about this month is that I get to use a program called yWriter, which seems to be created with organizationally anal people like me. It's awesome. I can divide the story into chapters and the chapters into scenes and can create little profiles for the characters, including spots for physical description, notes, a picture, their goals, a bio, and it has a spot for their full name, short name, other things they are called, and it allows you to tag your characters. It does the same type of thing for items and places and lets you add which of each is in a scene. It lets you classify scenes as action or reaction, has a spot for the goal, conflict and outcome or reaction, dilemma and choice, depending on which its classified as. It gives you a spot for notes on each scene, lets you title scenes and chapters, say whos POV its from, give it a rating in relevance, tension, humor and quality, classify it as an outline, draft, edit or finished piece, say whether its part of the plot or a sublot, and even lets you put a picture in for each scene. You can view a story board of the entire story, listed from each characters POV, and it has other features I haven't even discovered yet. It is SO incredibly useful. Oh and you can also drag and drop things to reorder them. The only annoying thing is that it dings when you hit the down arrow to move to the end of the row you're in, which is super annoying.

Well, I have a headache sitting just behind my right eye (which may be from the stink of fabric softener from something of Sophie's because Shawn hasn't bothered to tell his mom that I'm allergic to that shit and she came home reeking of it today. Dick. Oh and heres the ridiculous part, the thing that smells like it was laying in the kitchen ((eyeroll)) about 6 feet away and I could smell it like it was on me. That shit is so gross.) so I am going to stop writing (finally, y'all are thinking) but before I go I want to share some pictures from NaNoWriMo so far.

Day 1:
ready and happy and looking all 'smart' with my glasses:

The badge I earned-NaNo Socializing, for going to a meet-up or write in:

Day 2:
ridiculously exhausted and showing it

Trying to look less tired, and actually looking worse.

My Office Area (which thanks to Shawn, is cleaned off)...

The top of the bureau:

The top of my 1337 book shelf:

Joss Corner FTW:

Middle (focus is for wimps):

Nerd Corner:

Lastly, the badges I'd earned so far, the new one being the procrastination badge. I cleaned the room the rest of the way, reorganized my action figures and desk stuff just for pictures, as well as all the screwing around I did online:

And finally Day 3:

Sort of fake smiling:

I'm happy, see?

And TWO new badges today, although not the Rally Badge (for 5K) which is what I wanted. Instead I got word count padding (for adding the outline as words and writing out contractions and numbers) and Creative Non-Fiction (for loosely, or not, basing characters after people I know. I probably should have awarded this one on the first day, as it all started because Josh is full of crap 99% of the time but it's also been awarded because I couldn't figure out a name for Josh's friend, I named him William White. That'll probably change at some point, but for now, I get the badge.)