Fear and My Story

After what I wrote yesterday, I realized it’s not just laziness that keeps me from writing. It’s fear. 

Every time I think about opening the document to continue writing my stomach knots up. I can easily sit down to spew dumb jokes out on twitter (hilarious jokes out on twitter), throw up a post on here or one of my other places I write (write0utl0ud.blogspot.com or a different blog that’s much more private that almost no one has access to), facebook posts are no problem at all. Why is making things up so scary? It’s not like I’ve got tons of people reading this. It shouldn’t be stressful. Should it? Is following your dreams always stressful? 

I guess it’s because at least one of these stories (and this is probably naivety and foolishness) could actually be something great if I could just get the thing out of my brain and onto paper. Maybe it’s the pressure I’m putting on myself to complete it and have it be perfect. I’ve got most of the plot pretty much down. (that’s a lie, the middle bit is still very…. unknown.) but I’ve got the end figured out, and the beginning already written. Prologue and four chapters. That’s a good start. 

It’s weird. The story and I are sort of at the same place. The main character is beginning his journey, but he’s stuck somewhere for just a bit longer, and he’s scared and worried about where this whole journey will lead him, and how things will end. Well, I know how it’s going to end for him, but I’m scared about whether it will go well for me. We don’t know how long this journey is going to take, we don’t know if we’ll get the results we want, we don’t know if we’ll win or lose. I guess that the stakes are higher for him. Of course, if I never finish, he’ll be stuck in limbo forever, in the Well of Lost Plots (Thank you, Jasper Fforde) and that’s a cruel fate, right? 

So I need to write. Even if I just add a few words a day, that’s progress. It’s slow, lazy progress, but it’s progress. I’m going to face my fear, and just like I did with that douche of a boss, tell it it’s fucking insane and a crazy bitch, because damn it, it’s not in charge of me anymore.`

Decide

(originally posted on my Tumblr- Brainlettings)

The more I think about the levels of mediocrity in my daily life, the more I want things -everything, really- to change. I don’t want to feel like I’m settling for the rest of my life. I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck. I don’t want to constantly be hoping that things will just sort of fall into place. 

I’ve tried three different paths, education wise (and quit all three): interior design, cosmetology, and business (the last one online). You know what those three things have in common? I’m not even remotely passionate about them. I mean, interior design is neat, but I think I was watching a little too much HGTV or something. It’s not at all what I want out of life. Not even close. 

You know the only thing I’ve ever really wanted to do? Since I was a little kid? I wanted to write. Even before I was into reading, I wanted to write. You know what I rarely do even though, honestly, I’m pretty good at? Write. Why? What’s wrong with me? Laziness, basically. Making stuff up can be hard. You have to make up EVERYTHING. You have to make up a person. You decide who they are, who they love and hate, their quirks and their fears. You give them a family and a history, even if some of it is only in your head to help you make the character a whole person (Dumbledore being gay, for example). You make their friends, their job, their car, their childhood memories. You make their friends lives. You decide how they talk, how they interact with people and the world around them. That’s not even the story. You need a plot and conflict and resolution. You need to create an entire world, that exists in your head alone, and then there’s a massive chance that you’ll hate it. Someone else (everyone else?) will hate it. What do you do then?

You shrug it off and keep going because this is your dream, god damn it, and you follow your fucking dream! You chase that dream down and make it your bitch.

Or you can daydream about someday accomplishing something you’ll finally be proud of while you work bullshit jobs, scrape by, settle. 

So here is where I step up and ask myself, because it’s time to decide: 

Do you follow your dreams, or do you settle?

Fuck you, laziness. I’m gonna hunt this dream down, shoot it, and have it stuffed and mounted on my wall. Let that be a lesson to you other dreams out there… people are coming to get you. And we are determined.

The hunt is on. Do you hear the trumpet call? 

Cry ‘Havoc,’ and let slip the do

gs of war.

Right now...

It is 12:45 am and 71 degrees. I'm sitting on the sand in leggings and a hoodie. The moon is nearly full and so bright; its light is only slightly muted by thin clouds. There is a deep orange glow on the horizon, like a tiny sun setting. Light houses across the bay flicker on and off. A slight breeze blows, and I can hear the waves slapping gently against the boats, and the mild clanging of chains or bouys.
There are people I wish I could share this with. There are people I would love to talk to right now. At this moment though, I am content with being alone.
I could stay here forever.

Tonight's The Night

I get to be in the same room as my author-hero Neil Gaiman. I probably wont get to meet, him, but that's OK. Some people don't even get to get this close to their heroes, so I should be content with the fact that I will get to hear him speak in person. I'm VERY excited! I'm even wearing a dress. Because just in case I do meet him I want to make sure I look good in pictures! I should really be working on my story right now,  but I'm barely paying enough attention to write this blog, so I can't at the moment, but I'll work on it today. I hope.
So I haven't updated in a while. I've been WORKING! Guys, I have a job now. It eats up about 36 hours of my week and I honestly don't know how people with jobs get anything done. My goodness full time jobs keep you busy. Fortunately they also give you a bit of money and eventually, benefits. So in just over two months my I will get told all the problems that are wrong with my body that the insurance I'm paying for wont cover, so that's exciting! Hooray america! My job is basically selling beauty products to people who need way more than they're buying. Seriously... some of them are just awful monsters. Dye your hair all you want. It's still going to look disgusting if you don't wash it you filthy thing.
What else? So far I have sent the first 58 pages of my story to two different people. Do you guys know how scary that is? I was only going to send it to one, but I had to use it as a bargaining chip with a musician friend to get some unreleased demos. I'd say it was worth it except that I don't know that my enjoyment of the two tracks he sent me is worth the absolute fear I'm feeling since he was going to read it yesterday and I haven't heard what he thought yet. Seriously, it's terrifying. I mean, I don't mind if he didn't like it, but I'd at least like to know that he did read it and what he thought.
My other friend told me it was good but is supposed to send me some sort of critique and hasn't yet. It's totally OK though because now that I'm working full time I get not wanting to do anything ever. I haven't even been watching TV. Just working and reading [twitter]. I have this weekend completely off though, which is just bonkers and I don't even know what I'm going to do with myself [twitter].
OH! and speaking of musician friends, (which I did earlier) my friend Christopher Pappas  (aka @lostphysicist on twitter) just released his solo project (@miracleparade) debut album yesterday, and y'all should download it. I just did! I haven't listened to it yet because I'm a fucking slacker, but I can assure you it's good. He's a very talented guy and I love him and his music. You should too. It's on Zune and iTunes. You've got no excuse! GO NOW! The one who I traded story for songs is @davegodowsky and you can get his music here for whatever price you want to pay! You should pay a lot, because it's a super good CD. There's also another song you can download for free from his regular website here. Seriously, folks. Check these two guys out. They're awesome.

This entry is kind of all over the place (they all are, aren't they? I should work on maybe thinking about what I'm going to write before I write it, yeah?) but it's because I'm downloading a bunch of music (legally, I promise) and trying to get my Zune and iphone all set up properly and honestly, the zune is pretty easy, it just takes a long time to sync all 4000-something songs that are on there. It's the iphone that is a process. Trying to get the software downloaded without it timing out, the phone updated, and worst of all: getting all the music organized the way it's supposed to be. That's a damn process. What a mess itunes makes of everything... really bitches it up, if you ask me (and Steven King, probably. He's a fan of that phrase).

Well, I'm going to continue to download more music than I can listen to and check out the adorable gay guy in the great blazer that just walked into starbucks (yep. i'm blogging at starbucks. Whatever. This drink is douche-licious) and then eventually SEE NEIL MOTHERFUCKING GAIMAN TONIGHT!!

Focus on....everything?

I've always focused too much on the "someday" aspect of the future without really thinking about what I need to do to get there. Well, other than winning the lottery. Which I don't really play. Until it gets up into the 300 billion range and then, yeah, I buy a ticket or two.

But anyway, I need to start thinking of the steps involved to getting to be where I want to be, in small, easier to attain and daily goals.

And thinking about which of these fantasies is really the one I want? I imagine different lives all the time, but what goal is best, while still being realistically attainable? And where do I want to end up? What kind of things/people do I want my happiness depending on? What kind of life do I want for myself?

These are really hard questions, and I don't know if I'll ever feel even keeled enough to answer any of them the same way twice.

I guess I just want everything. That's not a helpful thing at all.

Just so dumb.

So I really thought that finding a job would help this whole down about my life state of mind I've been in. Maybe it runs deeper than that, or maybe the fact that my job is just over minimum wage is keeping the shit feelings securely lodged. I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that my car is broken that's responsible. What I do know is that I'm not loving this. Not at all.

I need to get back to the gym. I'll start again after the wedding (speaking of, I need to drop my dress off at the tailor tomorrow) so that my dress will still fit. Feeling shitty about my appearance isn't helping at all, and if I'm going to be spending a week in my bathing suit at the end of July, I'll definitely need to be in better shape than I am now. I am halfway back to my pre-pregnancy (or really, pre-shitty birth control) weight, and definitely looking better than I was, but I need to stop settling for "better than my worst" and get back to best.

I will be really relieved when the wedding is over. I'm tired of thinking about it, spending money on it. I can't even imagine planning my own wedding (right, because I'm the marriage type. sigh). I need to try on/shop for shoes, buy nail polish and try it out before the actual wedding, get my hair cut and colored, have my dress sized, figure out how I'm going to style my hair... Etc. Weddings are such a damn process. And I'm only a bridesmaid. I also need to fix my weird ass tan lines and moisturize the scraped up part of my leg so it's gone before the wedding too. At least the dress is really cute.

Oh, and another thing that's been getting me down is considerably more private, but I will say that I'm just setting myself up for disappointment, and I know it, but I'm doing it anyway. Like a complete idiot.

I figured out why I'm so bad at being a responsible adult though, so maybe that can lead to progress: I'm constantly just daydreaming. Living inside my head. It's nicer and easier and more fun in there, but it also leads to me thinking about fake life instead of me working to improve my real life. So stupid. And probably something crazy people do. I need to get my shit together and grow up. Or use my imagination for something productive, like writing. But stagnating isn't doing any good.

And speaking of writing, I need to keep going. I've been so focused on hearing/reading the response for Farthing it's like I forgot that I have five other stories going. They may not be as important as Farthing, but some of them could still be really good. I think at least one is total garbage, but I'll save what I've already written just in case there's some sort of break through on how to make it not shitty.

So this has been a mostly pointless and disjointed post, where I didn't really get to the meat of what's bothering me tonight, instead choosing to focus on bigger, broader upsetting things... Mostly because the two things that are really getting to me today aren't things I care to post freely online, or talk about to anyone ever, because that would mean admitting to feeling (redacted) and (redacted). And that's just not something I care to do now or ever, really. (see, I wont even generalize about it). Half is petty shit and the other half is... I don't even know how to describe it. A mess?

So dumb. Just. So. Dumb.

What I'm Listening To:

There's a CD I've been listening to on repeat today and yesterday and man, is it good!! It's called All You Love is Need by John Shade (@davegodowsky on twitter). The song Little Heart is so fucking good. He used to live in Boston but moved to NYC which is lame because I would have liked to see him play at some point... You know... When I have a job and a working car again. Anyway, if you go to http://johnshade.bandcamp.com, you can download it for whatever price you want, which is awesome because I didn't have any money to buy the damn thing, so for now I'm pimping it out, and when I do have a job, I'll paypal him some money because I have indie musician friends and it is expensive to follow your dreams, guys.

So go check him out. He's pretty damn fantastic.

Nice try...

Alright Nature, I see what you're trying to do for me, but until you have a tree that sprouts money, you're not any real help for my problems.
A for effort though.

Knitting, which is gibberish to most of you.

Every few... months? I guess? I go through a phase where I don't want to read, write, knit, anything. I just want to sit and stare at the TV or listen to music or other types of doing nothing. I definitely wouldn't say it's a depression thing, although there could definitely be some sort of mild feelings of "ugh". I get those every few months. I'm pretty sure it's a lot more simple than that...

I found my calling:

I have never been more excited.

Fuck you, Douglas

This baby is an asshole.

Some years ago, friends of mine named the sun Douglas. The moon is Bruce, in case you're wondering. Bruce is a great guy. He's totally responsible for the ocean, and he does his damn job and does it well. Bruce would never hurt anyone. Douglas, on the other hand, is a fucking asshole. He's always chillin' behind clouds, and causing cancer and sunburns, and global warming. What a dick, right? The worst part? Someday he's going to fucking quit on us and destroy the earth. (just kidding, we'll do that way before then.)

Random Paragraphs Slung Together

So since I wrote myself a list of goals, I managed to complete... oh... none of them?
I haven't written anything new in Farthing, but I am waiting with bated breath for a bit of a review from a Darach, who is the first person to read everything except for the prologue. I feel like it might have been a mistake to let him read it. What if he wants to read more of it? It's going to be a while, probably. What he if wants to read other stuff I wrote? He better like chick-lit and sex scenes, because whoa. That's pretty much all I can write. That's not true. I'm awesome and can write anything I want, but it's all I can write quickly and easily. Seriously? Chick-lit is stupid fun to write. And what I write is only a couple steps up from romance. embarrassing, right?

Anyway, all I've gotten from him so far is that he really liked the prologue, then he was reading it again last night and said that it drew him in (or that was his excuse for not coming up with a retort when I handed him his ass) so that's good. I want it to have draw. I am excited to get working on it again... I don't know why I'm such a slack-ass when it comes to writing. Afraid to finish it and fail?

Possibly Pointless Post

Does alliteration make me look smart, or like an asshole.

I spent the day knitting at the park and guess what I have? A super cool sunburn that is on only half of my back that's peeking out over my shirt. It looks pretty awesome, let me tell you.

While I was at the park I saw a bunch of cool people, like a dickbag who thought it was cool to play the drum (yes, one drum) by himself on a bench, and then sitting in the grass shirtless. He kept doing it on and off and I had to turn my music up way too loud so I didn't hear his shitty drumming over it. Fucker. He was there for at least an hour, seriously damaging my calm. 

Look at this fucking asshole. What a goddamn chode.

Skinnier Me Proof...

Check out the sluttiness of that shirt, guys! I bought it months and months ago as sort of motivation to lose weight. It looked alright when I bought it (lies) but way better now! It has straps, but they pop off because it's made by Malaysian children, and they're not that great sewing. And also because my boobs are heavy and they're weak little removable straps. I'll have to sew them on because strapless + D cup is not a great combination. I figure I'll bust it out at RJs and see how many guys try to roofie my drinks. That's a good gauge for how attractive I am, right?

Neil Gaiman is a Creative Genius

I'm reading The Graveyard Book for the second time. Finally. There are lines and paragraphs in this book that hit me so hard I need to read them over again.

Like that one. I ache to be this good.

If you haven't read this book, go buy it (yea buy, not download), and start it immediately. It will take you about a day. Maybe two. If you don't like it, well, then you're wrong.

Or, you can dislike it, but you can't say he's not a fantastic writer.

Guess who stopped biting her nails?

It might not be a big deal to anyone else, but my nails are getting SO LONG (for me). I'm very proud of myself.

They will be painted with that polish, which is called Not Like In The Movies and is, embarrassingly, from the Katy Perry/OPI collaborative collection.

Better Mood/Things I Love

I was going to talk about rejection, and how much I fear it, but instead I will just give you this. I don't want to think about the bad when I'm feeling quite good right now.

Brown Penny

I whispered, 'I am too young,'

And then, 'I am old enough';

Wherefore I threw a penny

To find out if I might love.

'Go and love, go and love, young man,

If the lady be young and fair.'

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,

I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,

There is nobody wise enough

To find out all that is in it,

For he would be thinking of love

Till the stars had run away

And the shadows eaten the moon.

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,

One cannot begin it too soon.

----W.B. Yeats

I love my friends, who help put me in a better mood. I love stupid videos of otters holding hands and hopping up and down (and squeaking!!). I love ridiculous movie plotting and casting. I love laughing so hard I worry I've annoyed the person I'm talking with on the phone. I love the fact that sometimes I just need something very simple to get me back on track, and ready to renew my efforts for making my life better. 

My Journey into Optimism...

is going well-ish?

I suppose the above statement basically explains it, huh? Well-ish. That's about my level today. It's nice out, I got a new shirt today, and I am going to see a friend's band tonight at my bar, where I have money for ONE drink, which is good because I really shouldn't drink much. But I'm still feeling a little... meh, emotionally.

I've been applying for a few jobs, and I plan on calling them all on Monday to see if they've seen my resume and if they would like to schedule an interview. There's one that's already emailed me back, but it's probably the worst of the ones I've applied to because it's only temporary, but still better than nothing. I will call that one last on Monday to make sure that if anything else seems more lead-y I don't get too caught up with the mediocre one.

Optimism?

It's this totally new thing I've just heard about and I'm giving it a shot. Shawn and I had a big emotional talk (because I sort of freak out every few weeks now? Awesome.) this weekend, right before my period started, so I guess I could blame it on that, especially since it was three weeks late which is like JESUS! STRESS MUCH? My body can be such a bitch sometimes.

So anyway, Shawn and I talked and I was all "My life is a goddamn mess and I suck at everything and everyone hates me and blah blah blahshutthefuckupblah" See, I know these things aren't true, but when I get into one of these moods (always late at night, and they only last the one night, and they're pretty rare, honestly. And when I wake up in the morning I feel WAY better. Like I've had about three of them since Shawn and I started dating... and two were after we broke up.) there is no reasoning with myself. So he told me that I was too pessimistic and cynical and I was all "uhh, yeah. Obviously." and then he said "I hate that for you. I used to hate it about you, but I understand that's just who you are."

Whoa.

Goals

I have been single now for just over a week. As this is a time of massive change in my life, I am going to give myself some goals for the next year. By Sunday, January 30th, I would like to have the following things:

• A steady job which I've maintained for nearly a year. Full time, benefits, and decent income which will allow me to support myself, sophie, my *two* cats, a dog (that goal is coming up) and a social life. 
• A two bedroom apartment that allows small to medium size dogs. I've given up my goal of a tiny little papillon, and decided to go rescue instead of pure bread for a plethora of reasons. A rescue needs me more than a pure bread puppy. I don't want to train a puppy. With a rescue I will get a pretrained dog, one that I know will be OK with the cats and Sophie. It is way cheaper. Couple hundred for a "used" (affectionate term) dog or 500+ for a brand new designer dog? I've always gone for the rip off brand, why change now?
• Decent credit. I want to be making enough money to be able to (slowly) resurrect my credit. (not zombie credit though, like a Jesus resurrection)
• As a reward for decent credit, a new car. Or at least saving for one. I want a Nissan Cube. A standard, because it feels weird to drive a regular one. Maybe by 2012 they'll have them in pacific blue and I get get a TARDIS license plate. That would just be the cherry on the cake.
• I want to be smoking hot. Fit and toned and awesome. I want to be learning some sort of awesome self defense where I'll be able to grab a big dude and flip him over my shoulder like Buffy does in that self defense class she takes in high school where the closet gay guy grabs her. (spoilers)
• Single. Still. Maybe getting ready to be in a relationship again. I feel like I've just cursed myself by saying that. that somehow demanding myself to stay single for a year willl mean I'm going to meet my dream man in like three months. Well, if he's such a dream he'll be OK with waiting.
• And totally superficially: I want to be fucking FLAWLESS at painting my nails. Seriously. I'll be 27. If I still have to clean off 1/3 of what I've painted on my then I should just quit trying to be girly. It's ridiculous how bad I am.
• OH OH OH! And to have visited at least two of my out of state friends... most likely Pete and Will because c'mon. NY and fucking POTTER WORLD? That's a goddamn guarantee that I'll be going there. I definitely wouldn't mind going to vegas but honestly? It doesn't hold a fucking candle to potter world. Seriously. I would punch your baby for some butterbeer.

So that's it. It seems like a lot, but I've got a year, and some of that? I don't even have a choice on it. It's just on there so that later I get to cross stuff off. Also? The dog I want? This precious little baby. I NEED her and more importantly, she needs me. I check on this page EVERY DAY to see if she's been adopted yet. Seriously? I'm smitten. Except the name. Cindy? That shit's gotta go.

You'll notice I didn't put anything about writing on there? See, here's the thing. Those are big goals and they'll take a lot of effort. Yeah, I'll keep thinking about writing, and I'm sure I'll have more chick-lit fodder by then (women eat this whole single after six years w/ a part time kid shit UP! They fucking love it.) but it's not a priority right now. I will do NaNo again though, so we'll see what happens. 

Also? I need to blog more. It feels good to get this stuff out of my head, regardless of someone reading it or not... though I hope people do. Sort of . 

Well, I'm off to stare at my resume and try to figure out how to put "i filled cartridges with ink" and make it sound like "that makes me totally competent to do data entry for you". Tough times.