Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
There are people I wish I could share this with. There are people I would love to talk to right now. At this moment though, I am content with being alone.
I could stay here forever.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
So I haven't updated in a while. I've been WORKING! Guys, I have a job now. It eats up about 36 hours of my week and I honestly don't know how people with jobs get anything done. My goodness full time jobs keep you busy. Fortunately they also give you a bit of money and eventually, benefits. So in just over two months my I will get told all the problems that are wrong with my body that the insurance I'm paying for wont cover, so that's exciting! Hooray america! My job is basically selling beauty products to people who need way more than they're buying. Seriously... some of them are just awful monsters. Dye your hair all you want. It's still going to look disgusting if you don't wash it you filthy thing.
What else? So far I have sent the first 58 pages of my story to two different people. Do you guys know how scary that is? I was only going to send it to one, but I had to use it as a bargaining chip with a musician friend to get some unreleased demos. I'd say it was worth it except that I don't know that my enjoyment of the two tracks he sent me is worth the absolute fear I'm feeling since he was going to read it yesterday and I haven't heard what he thought yet. Seriously, it's terrifying. I mean, I don't mind if he didn't like it, but I'd at least like to know that he did read it and what he thought.
My other friend told me it was good but is supposed to send me some sort of critique and hasn't yet. It's totally OK though because now that I'm working full time I get not wanting to do anything ever. I haven't even been watching TV. Just working and reading [twitter]. I have this weekend completely off though, which is just bonkers and I don't even know what I'm going to do with myself [twitter].
OH! and speaking of musician friends, (which I did earlier) my friend Christopher Pappas (aka @lostphysicist on twitter) just released his solo project (@miracleparade) debut album yesterday, and y'all should download it. I just did! I haven't listened to it yet because I'm a fucking slacker, but I can assure you it's good. He's a very talented guy and I love him and his music. You should too. It's on Zune and iTunes. You've got no excuse! GO NOW! The one who I traded story for songs is @davegodowsky and you can get his music here for whatever price you want to pay! You should pay a lot, because it's a super good CD. There's also another song you can download for free from his regular website here. Seriously, folks. Check these two guys out. They're awesome.
This entry is kind of all over the place (they all are, aren't they? I should work on maybe thinking about what I'm going to write before I write it, yeah?) but it's because I'm downloading a bunch of music (legally, I promise) and trying to get my Zune and iphone all set up properly and honestly, the zune is pretty easy, it just takes a long time to sync all 4000-something songs that are on there. It's the iphone that is a process. Trying to get the software downloaded without it timing out, the phone updated, and worst of all: getting all the music organized the way it's supposed to be. That's a damn process. What a mess itunes makes of everything... really bitches it up, if you ask me (and Steven King, probably. He's a fan of that phrase).
Well, I'm going to continue to download more music than I can listen to and check out the adorable gay guy in the great blazer that just walked into starbucks (yep. i'm blogging at starbucks. Whatever. This drink is douche-licious) and then eventually SEE NEIL MOTHERFUCKING GAIMAN TONIGHT!!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
But anyway, I need to start thinking of the steps involved to getting to be where I want to be, in small, easier to attain and daily goals.
And thinking about which of these fantasies is really the one I want? I imagine different lives all the time, but what goal is best, while still being realistically attainable? And where do I want to end up? What kind of things/people do I want my happiness depending on? What kind of life do I want for myself?
These are really hard questions, and I don't know if I'll ever feel even keeled enough to answer any of them the same way twice.
I guess I just want everything. That's not a helpful thing at all.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
I need to get back to the gym. I'll start again after the wedding (speaking of, I need to drop my dress off at the tailor tomorrow) so that my dress will still fit. Feeling shitty about my appearance isn't helping at all, and if I'm going to be spending a week in my bathing suit at the end of July, I'll definitely need to be in better shape than I am now. I am halfway back to my pre-pregnancy (or really, pre-shitty birth control) weight, and definitely looking better than I was, but I need to stop settling for "better than my worst" and get back to best.
I will be really relieved when the wedding is over. I'm tired of thinking about it, spending money on it. I can't even imagine planning my own wedding (right, because I'm the marriage type. sigh). I need to try on/shop for shoes, buy nail polish and try it out before the actual wedding, get my hair cut and colored, have my dress sized, figure out how I'm going to style my hair... Etc. Weddings are such a damn process. And I'm only a bridesmaid. I also need to fix my weird ass tan lines and moisturize the scraped up part of my leg so it's gone before the wedding too. At least the dress is really cute.
Oh, and another thing that's been getting me down is considerably more private, but I will say that I'm just setting myself up for disappointment, and I know it, but I'm doing it anyway. Like a complete idiot.
I figured out why I'm so bad at being a responsible adult though, so maybe that can lead to progress: I'm constantly just daydreaming. Living inside my head. It's nicer and easier and more fun in there, but it also leads to me thinking about fake life instead of me working to improve my real life. So stupid. And probably something crazy people do. I need to get my shit together and grow up. Or use my imagination for something productive, like writing. But stagnating isn't doing any good.
And speaking of writing, I need to keep going. I've been so focused on hearing/reading the response for Farthing it's like I forgot that I have five other stories going. They may not be as important as Farthing, but some of them could still be really good. I think at least one is total garbage, but I'll save what I've already written just in case there's some sort of break through on how to make it not shitty.
So this has been a mostly pointless and disjointed post, where I didn't really get to the meat of what's bothering me tonight, instead choosing to focus on bigger, broader upsetting things... Mostly because the two things that are really getting to me today aren't things I care to post freely online, or talk about to anyone ever, because that would mean admitting to feeling (redacted) and (redacted). And that's just not something I care to do now or ever, really. (see, I wont even generalize about it). Half is petty shit and the other half is... I don't even know how to describe it. A mess?
So dumb. Just. So. Dumb.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
So go check him out. He's pretty damn fantastic.