Sunday, June 5, 2011

Just so dumb.

So I really thought that finding a job would help this whole down about my life state of mind I've been in. Maybe it runs deeper than that, or maybe the fact that my job is just over minimum wage is keeping the shit feelings securely lodged. I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that my car is broken that's responsible. What I do know is that I'm not loving this. Not at all.

I need to get back to the gym. I'll start again after the wedding (speaking of, I need to drop my dress off at the tailor tomorrow) so that my dress will still fit. Feeling shitty about my appearance isn't helping at all, and if I'm going to be spending a week in my bathing suit at the end of July, I'll definitely need to be in better shape than I am now. I am halfway back to my pre-pregnancy (or really, pre-shitty birth control) weight, and definitely looking better than I was, but I need to stop settling for "better than my worst" and get back to best.

I will be really relieved when the wedding is over. I'm tired of thinking about it, spending money on it. I can't even imagine planning my own wedding (right, because I'm the marriage type. sigh). I need to try on/shop for shoes, buy nail polish and try it out before the actual wedding, get my hair cut and colored, have my dress sized, figure out how I'm going to style my hair... Etc. Weddings are such a damn process. And I'm only a bridesmaid. I also need to fix my weird ass tan lines and moisturize the scraped up part of my leg so it's gone before the wedding too. At least the dress is really cute.

Oh, and another thing that's been getting me down is considerably more private, but I will say that I'm just setting myself up for disappointment, and I know it, but I'm doing it anyway. Like a complete idiot.

I figured out why I'm so bad at being a responsible adult though, so maybe that can lead to progress: I'm constantly just daydreaming. Living inside my head. It's nicer and easier and more fun in there, but it also leads to me thinking about fake life instead of me working to improve my real life. So stupid. And probably something crazy people do. I need to get my shit together and grow up. Or use my imagination for something productive, like writing. But stagnating isn't doing any good.

And speaking of writing, I need to keep going. I've been so focused on hearing/reading the response for Farthing it's like I forgot that I have five other stories going. They may not be as important as Farthing, but some of them could still be really good. I think at least one is total garbage, but I'll save what I've already written just in case there's some sort of break through on how to make it not shitty.

So this has been a mostly pointless and disjointed post, where I didn't really get to the meat of what's bothering me tonight, instead choosing to focus on bigger, broader upsetting things... Mostly because the two things that are really getting to me today aren't things I care to post freely online, or talk about to anyone ever, because that would mean admitting to feeling (redacted) and (redacted). And that's just not something I care to do now or ever, really. (see, I wont even generalize about it). Half is petty shit and the other half is... I don't even know how to describe it. A mess?

So dumb. Just. So. Dumb.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Jewelie, I found your blog from Twitter. I just wanted to say that I am going through the same feelings, and I want to scream and shout at you not to feel dumb, not to feel inferior, but to feel proud and pretty! I want to make you believe it, but how can I when I can't even make myself believe it about me? I'll give it a shot. I don't know you and this is the first time I've ever seen your blog, but you obviously have some talent as a writer first of all. Right? You can admit this to yourself, yes? Okay then, and also, by being a writer, you probably know how much most people's writing sucks ass. Just take a look at Facebook. Not everyone can write, and it may not seem like it, but writing is a valuable skill to have. You should feel proud of yourself for developing and acquiring this talent and skill.

    Second of all, I am sensing you are also experiencing feelings of inadequacy about your looks, your body, etc. Well knock it off because that's bullshit. I wish I could make you feel as pretty as I think you are, because any guy I know would say you're hot. (It sounds cliched, but you really do have the prettiest eyes I think I have ever seen!!!) Seriously, you're not overweight, you're not "just a '7,'" or "cute," or whatever other crap you're telling yourself you look like, just because you're subconsciously comparing yourself to the women you see in magazines or on TV every day as the definition of what's attractive. Trust me, you look amazing and don't let other people make you feel otherwise. America makes money making women feel ugly, because what cures a bad hair day? Shopping! Fuck that, you're hot as is, you don't need gift wrap. (But damn, I'd love to see what your 'best' is! ... Just kidding, that was a trap, don't fall for it again.)

    Lastly, you're a mother. If nothing else, don't let yourself feel inferior for your child. He or she needs his or her mother to feel strong! I don't mean to patronize you, of course you know that. And you are strong! So strong, you tear yourself a new asshole!!!

    Here, I'd like to offer you some tips I have been trying myself, to cure the crippling self-images we sometimes have of ourselves that prevent us from getting what we want, or at least making it more difficult: 1. Don't put yourself down. Ever. If you catch yourself doing it, stop it. Tell yourself something good about yourself, or change "I can't sing worth a fuck" into "I may not be the best singer, but I just need some more practice, and it will be a challenge I look forward to. I will get better." 2. Do good, feel good - try to do something nice for someone else, even a simple smile or hello could make someone's day. That will make yourself feel good inside, because it feels good to help people. I should be sleeping or working right now, but writing this message to you and thinking just for a second that it may somehow help you, or at least make you smile, makes me feel better than I did 20 minutes ago. Now I will probably fall asleep pretty quickly when I lay down. (Or is it lie? I always forget, and doesn't the period go ouside the sentence, or does it stay inside?). 3. Smile, and simply think for a minute about your best memories or accomplishments. How often do we spend regretting our biggest failures? We should spend all of that time re-living our finest moments, don't you agree? And just try holding a smile for 10 seconds, you will feel 100 percent better.

    I'm tired, but you get the idea. It sounds stupid and simple, but stupid and simple works every time. One of my teachers even made up an acronym for it: K.I.S.S. - Keep It Simple, Stupid. Haha, he was a dork. But he was right.

    Seriously, NICE eyes.