Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A completely different post than I planned on writing, even though I hadn't planned anything at all.

I have too much to say, but it seems that none of it means anything... it's all just words and no meaning.

Writing it out is pointless but here I am, hoping to make some sense of the thoughts tumbling around in my brain... and now I don't even remember what I wanted to say in the first place. Either seasonal depression has left, or the change in my birth control was a good move. Either way, I'm feeling better than I think I have felt in ages, but honestly, with mild depression, it seems like you were down forever and you never actually felt up. Ever. It's all doom, and gloom and unending, unrelenting darkness and misery and you WILL NEVER FEEL BETTER. And then you do, and you think "hm... maybe it wasn't as bad as I though? Maybe I was never that depressed."

But suddenly it seems as if the entire emotional fog has lifted and I remember being depressed, and feeling bad (again, it doesn't feel like I could have possibly been that bad, but my blog says I was crying, so perhaps it was. (I have to depend on things like my blog and facebook to remind me of how I've been feeling because my memory is so bad. Something I'm hoping will also be remedied by a change in birth control. I'm not holding out hope...) but I know I'm feeling good now, and more whole than I've felt in a long while.

It's hard to remember what things felt like before pregnancy, which is the last time I was hormone-changing-foreign-object free. And even if I could recall everything correctly, my life was in such a strange state of flux, between homes and jobs and cars and relationships that really, when could anything have felt normal? And before that was high school which I remember being a very mixed bag of extremes that I wouldn't care to relive. Between the epic fights and thinking I was falling in love and actually falling in love and then breaking my own heart doing what I thought was the right thing, but probably turned out to be pointless, well... it wasn't an easy time, emotionally. Before that was middle school which is as close to government sanctioned emotional torture as you can get without travelling to a war zone or Guantanamo Bay.

So I am suddenly feeling like this is the first time in my life when I could possibly feel like a normal human being, which is a strange thing to realize. I feel as if I am finally in a mental state that I can take stock of my life, my emotions, my relationships, and decide without the weight of constant change, where I want my life to go. It could be a scary place, but I am not going to let it get that way. I need to renew my efforts (which, honestly, were never really newed in the first place) to lose weight, to get a job, to write, damn it!

I am finally in ownership of my life, and I have been wasting it sitting around on the internet (the irony doesn't escape me), and watching TV constantly. I have these ideas which are genius floating inside my brain. They have beginnings and ends and even shady middles. I idolize people like Neil Gaiman, who are such wonderful, creative, intelligent people who GET. SHIT. DONE. Meanwhile, I watch tv, and read facebook and twitter updates like it's my job and hope to win the lottery so I can be like Peter from Office Space and do nothing all day. (for those of you wondering, I don't really play the lottery until it gets huge and everyone does because who doesn't want 290 million dollars? and even then it's like... one ticket for the drawing someone wins and I feel dumb because I lost a dollar and got my hopes up even though, duh, I'm never going to win, but someone has to because look, some fat walmart person who wears tweety bird teeshirts with no bra and don't know how to wash between the folds just got more money than I can ever even really comprehend, and my god, why is the world so unfair and then I spiral back into that deep angry depression pit, but with an even deeper hatred for stupid people who smell bad who I have to deal with at my job because I didn't win the lottery and they're buying cheez doodles and soda and lobster with their food stamps while I can barely afford to buy burgers and salad stuff with my hard-earned 130 dollar a week paycheck, one of which I just wasted on a damn piece of paper and shattered dreams) Where the hell was I? Ownership and slackerism. Right.

So I'm promising myself that I will work harder on making the house to somewhat resemble somewhere a person who cares about themselves and their surroundings look like. I will paint and decorate and clean. I will finally sew and put some curtains up (only slightly over 6 months since I've moved in). I will redouble (or maybe requadrulpe) my efforts in writing and I will finish something by the end of the year. Maybe even Josh Farthing, but more likely the myth/short story that I already have a completed outline on. But who knows? That shouldn't take that long since it's supposed to be a "short story" anyway. Either way, I'm going to really crack down. I will finish some damn knitting projects and be able to wear or display them. I will make and finish gifts I promised or started ages ago (connie, i'm the worst friend ever. I know.) I will make sophie something more than an tiny mostly-felted octopus.

The last and certainly most difficult part of this is getting in shape. And the shape I'm talking about is better shape than I've ever been in in my adult life without the aid of three months of severe vomiting. I don't just want to be thin: I want to be healthy and strong. But also thin. I want my thighs to not touch... that's basically where I say 'success'. There is so much involved in getting fit that it's a little overwhelming, especially not really knowing much about the whole process. It's constant vigilance on what I eat, and when, and how much. And finding time to exercise which shouldn't be that hard but is. I would like to be able to walk/jog/run around the commons, but I can't take sophie with me because then we'll have to stop and play on the playground with all of the little vermin that are there unsupervised, and they are SO annoying. They see an adult paying attention to a child and they flock like flocking things to an object they like.

Well, I've lost my steam and my blog-writing abilities have certainly decreased from beginning to end so I'm going to finish watching Robot Chicken, and then read. Because that's what productive adults do at 2:24 am, right? (it's a process)

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