Thursday, April 21, 2011


It's this totally new thing I've just heard about and I'm giving it a shot. Shawn and I had a big emotional talk (because I sort of freak out every few weeks now? Awesome.) this weekend, right before my period started, so I guess I could blame it on that, especially since it was three weeks late which is like JESUS! STRESS MUCH? My body can be such a bitch sometimes.

So anyway, Shawn and I talked and I was all "My life is a goddamn mess and I suck at everything and everyone hates me and blah blah blahshutthefuckupblah" See, I know these things aren't true, but when I get into one of these moods (always late at night, and they only last the one night, and they're pretty rare, honestly. And when I wake up in the morning I feel WAY better. Like I've had about three of them since Shawn and I started dating... and two were after we broke up.) there is no reasoning with myself. So he told me that I was too pessimistic and cynical and I was all "uhh, yeah. Obviously." and then he said "I hate that for you. I used to hate it about you, but I understand that's just who you are."


Nothing like a good dose of honesty from someone who knows you really well to make you smarten the fuck up, right? But then he said "But you can change that." and I laughed a little and he said "I know. You don't think you can." because like I said, dude knows me. But I'm going to decide that I'm the one who is wrong on this. I can and will change. I guess that's the first step, right? Being willing and open to change. Everything in my life is changing now, so why not me? I am optimistic about being optimistic. Even though saying that makes me want to throw up.

I have that list of goals from my previous post, and I think I've already changed it a bit... like fuck getting a dog. I have Fat Cat and Tiny Cat. I don't need a dog. That's like having another kid and uhhh... I think we all know how I feel about that (hence the celebretory texts I sent out when I got my period even though, really, there shouldn't really have been a way that I could have been knocked up). I enjoy the fact that my current pets can crap without me having to bring them somewhere to do it. Nice credit would be great, but I'm more concerned with having a presentable apartment. Sorry old bills from when I was immature and dumb with money, you're going to have to wait a little while longer; although I will need to clean it up before I get a new car, because who knows how long Q is going to last?

Shit. I've gone a bit off topic. Optimism, let's get back there, shall we? I'm going to stop saying I want things without having a way to get them (other than things like "I want magic powers, and teleporters and some goddamn butterbeer from potterworld!). I mean things like a finished novel and a smokin hot bod, and a good job. I have an interview on monday, which is awesome. It's not for a very good job at all... retail, but lord knows I'm qualified. And I'll be working with a good friend of mine, so that's nice. It won't be full time, but maybe if I can get some sort of steady schedule nailed down I can pick up some waitressing shifts (i just threw up in my mouth a little) at Uno's or something. Or some bartending shifts. (My dad would love that. heh)

So I've been working on it for the past few days, since our talk. Even through being a bit grumpy (or at least have a short temper) due to weird sleep, moodiness etc. I've been editing what I've got so far for Josh Farthing, and I'm about halfway through the 58 pages. I need to do 15 today and tomorrow so I'll be ready to send it to a great new friend I've found. He's going to look it over, maybe do some editing, but mostly I'm looking for his opinion on the story. Reading through it has given me some definite insight into what I need to work on, as well as reading Stephen King and Neil Gaiman. They're fantastic, and while I'm not comparing my writing to theirs, it's good to see good writing along side you're own. It helps you see more of what you should be doing. Of course, if I was reading Twilight, even the worst shit I wrote would seem amazing. (ZING)

I was going to hit the gym today but a transformer blew while I was on my way there, so I obviously can't do that, but I'll get there tomorrow, and maybe on Saturday after knitting, and I don't see a reason why I can't get there on Sunday too. I plan to be down another 10 lbs by the end of May, and another 10 by the middle of June. Hopefully I can get the dress I'm wearing for Lisa's wedding tailored enough. I really wish i'd ordered an 10 instead of a 12, but it's too late now. I can get a 12 dropped down to an 8 at least, so that *should* be enough? I won't be that sad if the dress is a little big. That's a pretty good problem to have. (I need to go pick the damn thing up but driving to Salem JUST to get a dress is the worst).

I even tried on a couple bathing suits today to see how I felt about them, and how far I had to go before I can wear one that small. While doing that I learned that I can't wear bandeau or triangle style tops, which really leaves me with tankini or halter, which is fine I guess, but I'd have liked more options. Whatever. That's just the price you pay for D-cups. I think that by the time Jen and I go to Cape Cod this summer I should be ready to rock the same bathing suit I did when we went five years ago Jesus. I haven't looked good in a bathing suit in five years. But I will. See that? That's me working on my optimism. And I'm serious.  The point of that opening sentence is that even after trying it on, I didn't feel terrible about myself because I know that it's a work in progress, and that is real improvement right there. I don't look in the mirror and go "UGH" anymore. I look and say "Hey, that's way better than it was a few months ago, and will be even better every week from now on. This is determination, damn it.

I will admit that it's definitely not just the talk with Shawn that got me changing. Ive made quite a few new friends lately, and one of them in particular has really helped me feel better about myself. He's very encouraging and I find myself wanting to be better, to be... worthy of that encouragement, I guess?

I'm also trying to avoid the self-destructive behavior that I really had started to fall into the past couple months. I'm going to take a break from that. I'm not going to get into it, really, but I definitely needed a good look at what I was doing, and to see that really? It's not great for my self-esteem, my sanity, or my wallet. I'm definitely still going to be going out fairly often, but I don't need to go out three times in one weekend, or to get trashed when I do go to a bar. And if I think someone is an idiot, it's because they are, and they're not worth my time. Really really not worth it. Really. I recognize that a lot of my self-esteem is tied to guys wanting me, and wow. That is not good, and embarrassing to admit, even though I'm sure that's a really common issue. So I'm going to also focus on not worrying about that so much, which I don't think is going to be a problem... at least with the dirt bags I run into around here. Occasionally there will be someone cute like Tiny Dover Ian Somerhalder, but c'mon... cut off jeans? UUGH. hipster weirdo.

So optimism... it's going to be hard because every ounce of me wants to smirk and be pessimistic and cynical and sarcastic and mean, because that's who I am, and frankly, who I've been proud to be for so long. But the pessimism has really taken hold and while it used to just be about other people, it's invaded every aspect of my personality, and I've been negative about myself for SO long. I'm going to stick with the sarcasm because that's how I roll, and I'll keep making fun of strangers around me, but as far as my own life is concerned? I'm turning it around. Well, I've wasted a lot of time messing around online and I still have all fifteen pages to finish editing before I go to bed tonight, so I should really get to that...

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